Where has the time gone?

I can't believe it has been so long since I have written. So much has changed in that year! Last fall I started working at our school in the preschool as a para. Love my time with the kiddos so much and the flexibility of having the same schedule as Delainee. I had surgery last August, I think, to remove a polyp from my uterus. This was the first time I had been back to my RE since our last cycle and miscarriage over a year before. So of course this brought back the should we, could we? So we decided to do a cycle. I did not want it to interfere with work so we planned it for over Christmas break. Sadly the cycle started off on a bad note and after starting progress it stopped and I was told it was over in January. I took a half day off of school, went up and did blood work, came home and got the call and had to go to work. Could I have called and told them I needed the rest of the day? Yeah but I figured it would help, and it did. To do even a frozen cycle it costs us over $4000 so we knew that was it for us. We can't just keep dumping money into the infertility cycles. April rolls around and I hadn't been feeling well. After my loss in January I started using an oil blend I made. Well for the first time in almost 7 years of trying I got pregnant, on my own! Holy Moly! I called my doctor and I am sure made no sense because I was so confused. Like how does this happen?! We went in and I was 6 weeks and we saw a tiny little flicker. It was such a welcome sight! We went back at 7 weeks and were able to hear the heartbeat and it was beating so strong! 9 weeks the same! My morning sickness started to let up around 10 weeks so I consulted Dr. Google and it seemed like that happens to some people. I was scared but reassured that it was normal. We went to the doctor the day after school got out and the ultrasound started and David said "aww look little arms and legs" but it was silent. I looked and looked "where is the flicker? I don't see the flicker!" I am sorry Melissa I am looking. How is this even possible?! I broke down and didn't know if I would keep breathing but somehow I did. Next the ultrasound tech looked after the doctor couldn't find it and she couldn't find it either. Our baby was gone. We did things different this cycle. We did blood thinner in case that was what was causing me to miscarry and still at 10 weeks our baby died. I had surgery the next day and mourned the loss of our baby and what would be. We bought a camper and decided to spend more time being intentional. We even camped for a week while Delainee had national dance competition. I have been gearing up for school to start since August has hit. Started to have sinus drainage and I instantly thought I am pregnant. Who seriously gets that and thinks that? I waited a few days and bought some tests. Sure enough! Pregnant! Twice on my own this year. I called my RE and went in Tuesday morning for blood work and Wednesday for and ultrasound. Too early for a heartbeat but we were pregnant! Were pregnant. Just a few days did we get to dream. Yesterday (Saturday) I miscarried. This time was different. I usually have a missed miscarriage but this was the "real deal". I called my doctor and was told to lay low yesterday and see if it would stop but it didn't. I went today to have my beta checked and sure enough it is lower than it was Tuesday. Our baby is gone before we even had a chance to get to know it. To barely dream. Three times this year we have been shattered. And three times we will pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off and truck forward. Does it get easier? No. Is it different now? Sadly yes. This is our 6th miscarriage and 7th angel waiting for us in Heaven. Oh what a joyful homecoming that is going to be! All my babies meeting me as I join them in heaven! I can only image! And that is why I will end this post with this video. This has been played at some of the memorial services we have attended for our babies.

Two years

It is so hard to believe. 2 years, 731 days, 17,544 hours and many many minutes without you with me. If my pregnancy would have continued you would be 18 months old. Walking, talking and learning so much from your sister. She misses you so much. She would truly be the best sister to you. She talks about the things she would teach you and how she would play with you. You would be so fun at the pool this year! I certainly would spend more time in the water chasing you. And this fall I can just imagine how adorable you would be in your little overalls riding with daddy in the combine! Oh sweet boy I miss you so much! Not a day goes by that you aren't on my mind. Today we did what we do on birthdays. We had chocolate chip pancakes. 

And we each sent you a balloon. 

And then we decided to go see Finding Dory with your sister. It was a very cute movie! After we went to Target and Delainee picked out a heart locket. She has wanted a locket to put your picture in for the past 2 years and we finally saw one she just couldn't live without. I am going to work on printing a picture small enough tonight to put in it for her. She talked about how cool it would be to open it and have a camera to you in heaven. I so wish we could spend just one day with you. This morning when I turned on music while making breakfast this is the song that came on first. So fitting for today, and every day. 

And since I didn't get a cake we all got ice cream tonight! I got a cotton candy blizzard. The next best thing to birthday cake! 

On our way home we stopped and picked up some lanterns. Unfortunently there was a slight breeze so not ideal for lanterns. But daddy got one to go up! We could see it for so long! 

I am sure you had the best angelversary in Heaven! I wish you were here. Jesus, hug him once for me. Tell him that you love him and that we love him too. I love you William Lawrence! ❤️❤️

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=IBHEJtqKjkk

One year later

It is hard to believe it has been a year since I lost my last little miracle. My ray of hope after so much heartache. Everything just had to work that time and here I am again on an anniversary of a loss. I still remember the little room we waited in. David being angry and never wanting to be at that hospital again. The paperwork, warm air blanket, the cold operating room and the tears flowing uncontrolled as I came out of anesthesia. Another long car ride home and I couldn't wait to get Delainee. I have grown a lot in this past year. Closer to some people and farther from others. A year ago I wouldn't have pictured my life to be on this path. A year and 2 days ago I would have pictures sleepless nights, diapers and bottles. Today I am stronger. We may always be a family of 3 on earth but we are certainly going to have a good time doing it. This isn't the life I would have picked but it is mine! Every minute I need to remind myself that we will make it because we have each other. My heart will always break thinking of what Delainee is missing but I must push on or we can't live the life we deserve. I love you my sweet angels and one glorious day I will hold you in my arms, not just my heart. 

The night before

Last year at this time I was nervously awaiting our last transfer. Praying for that child(ren) and thinking of who it/they would become. Never would I have dreamed my arms would be empty of those dreams. Never would I have imagined that I wouldn't have a plan that involved a baby. But that is the reality. That has been our reality for 6 years now. Delainee our only child and she will our only child. We have children in heaven that we will see one day but on earth she won't have that relationship that so many of us take for granted. Unless you have lived that life, unless your heart is as big as hers, unless you pray every night for a brother then you will never come close to understanding that infertility and pregnancy loss have a huge impact on the whole family. I reflect on who had been there for me and who still is through all of this. I am so thankful! Without God, David and Delainee I truly don't know how I would have gotten through the last 6 year. As I approach another birthday next month so many feelings are going to come over me. I am going to do my best to remain thankful! 

A Dry Eye Holiday (Christmas 2015 that just now posted)

Well I made it! I made it through Christmas with dry eyes! Christmas marked a year since I miscarried my 3rd ever pregnancy. Christmas marked 18 months since William was born into heaven. And I made it through without tears. I wasn't sure if I would because opening gifts I got a little teary eyed so I thought that wasn't a good start to the day. But we had a wonderful Christmas. Lots of yummy food, naps and movies. Delainee was even so kind to help me find the living room again after presents and life has taken over! I was reminded yesterday that I wasn't meant to just have a family of 3 because I love cooking and we will have leftovers until we are sick of them. But at least we are able to have those leftovers when some are not as fortunate. Here are our breakfast casseroles: 

The cinnamon roll French toast casserole was amazing! And so was the hashbrown casserole for that matter! Delainee didn't want the hashbrown one and I don't think ended up liking the cinnamon roll one like she expected. Before I let her get up I made her try s bite of my hashbrown one. She loved it. In fact she had that for supper! 

Here is our lunch spread:

Two words SO YUMMY! 

Delainee got her first BB gun yesterday! And we all went out and froze so she could give it a try! After having a meltdown because she couldn't pull the trigger (she wasn't even on it) she did great! She shot twice and hit both times! 

Overall it was a great day and I am so thankful! 

2015 Year in Review

The last few hours of 2015 are here. Another year I am good with saying goodbye to! We went into 2015 knowing we would do a fresh IVF cycle again. We did not know that it would result in another loss. Another loss of a perfect baby. A baby that would likely be here right now! Our year would have looked so much different if our baby didn't die at just 8 weeks gestation. I saw that sweet heartbeat at 6 weeks and at 8 it was gone! I turned 30 the day before we found out. I have to say 30 didn't start how anyone would want it to! I got to go to Texas and meet the one who has been there through it all! She has cried for me and shared more than most! It was like going home for me. Not weird that we had never meet in person at all. I wasn't even nervous! And anyone that knows me knows knows I am shy at first and don't take a lot of risk! I went to the swimming pool! Like enough to pay for a pool pass! Insane! I wouldn't have if I didn't have my friend Jen pushing me because she was going! Me in a swim suit in public! Huge step! Delainee LOVED it! I became an Aunt again! I love her sooooooo much! I lost weight and gained most back 😳. I also joined an amazing Young Living team! Love love love oils and so does my family! Delainee has her own joy by her bed and got a kid scent diffuser for Christmas! I look forward to bettering our health even more in 2016! Goodbye 2015! It is a year that I will never forget and be glad I never have to relive. So 2016 my plans are to get healthier, learn even more about Young Living oils and their benefits for my health and to love my family deeper! 2016 you are going to be a year I want to go on forever!  

The Holiday Season

As I sit here listing to Christmas music and thinking back on the joy I used to have it makes me sad. Now when I think about the holiday season I think about doctor appointments. Literally when I try to think of smells of the season I think of my doctors office. I don't think of cinnamon, pine and all things spice. I think of sterile rooms, the warmth of a running ultrasound machine, cold instruments of a transfer and the joy that brought me. That is missing this holiday season and along with that is all joy I normally have. Looking at my day in history on Facebook today I saw how 2 years ago I had 9 trees decorated. 9! We have one this year and I put it up and put the light on it and a few things at the top but Delainee decorated it. That would not have happened before. I have always been so particular about my trees. In a way it is good because I let her have that joy and pride but I miss it. And I don't think it will ever be the same. I haven't even done any Christmas shopping yet! I feel like something is missing and it goes beyond my babies. I am missing that schedule of transfers, ultrasounds and blood draws. That was my normal for 2 holiday seasons and now it is gone. No baby when I should have a one year old (olds) no baby when I should have a 3 month old. No baby when I should have a hurting back from carrying around a big pregnant belly. I love David and Delainee with more of me than I thought ever possible but there will always be a place in my heart that will always be missing. Our William would be one next week if he would have lived. He would be possibly starting to walk, eating manly the foods we do and drinking milk. And he would get to enjoy his first Christmas cookie and leave cookies with his sister for Santa. And he would be on our Christmas card. He would get to open birthday presents and Christmas presents all in the same month! And I would love every minute of him having a birthday close to Christmas because that would mean he is alive! Alive in my arms, preventing me from blogging because he would be into the tree right now. Trying to eat ornaments, or even the cat food! I miss him, I miss them, I miss me. 

Tis the season

It is almost Thanksgiving so that means getting in the Christmas spirit. Two years ago I would have had my trees up by now, yes trees! This year I am letting my daughter decorate the tree. If it wasn't for her I wouldn't even put one up at all. I am just not in the spirit at all. Christmas is a reminder of so many things. This year it will be 18 months since we delivered William into heaven. It will also be one year since we miscarried. And to top it off I should be days away from delivering a perfectly healthy baby. Instead the 3 of us will celebrate us. No babies, no toddlers. Don't get me wrong I am so blessed to have Delainee and David to spend Christmas with. That doesn't make my heart not hurt. It doesn't make my heart not weep for what should be. This is the new me. This is my reality. There will always be empty seats at our table, always. 

My dear friend and photographer Lora created the most amazing family pictures for us. She is wonderful and I know her heart breaks with mine. You can check her out at www.milesandme.com. She is also on Facebook at milesandme. Here are the wonderful pictures she created for us. 

Also here is the tree Delainee decorated! She did great! 

We will always remember

Today was our second time going to the Remembrance of Life event put on my Methodist Women's Hospital and Healthcare. It just amazes me how such an event can just bring every emotion to surface again. I remembered the faith I had that our twins would both be ok because Delainee beat the late heartbeat and we had a flawless pregnancy (besides hives but seriously that was nothing now)! Then when we found out that baby A's heartbeat stopped. I put all of my faith into William being perfect! And everything was. I was good and sick and he was growing perfectly. Then our world was shattered when we went in and found out he has just died. Delivering a baby you can't take home is not something anyone should have to do. Then Christmas right as we let off balloons I knew my pregnancy was once again coming to an end and it was confirmed a few days later. We knew William was perfect but we didn't know if our other babies were perfect on earth so we did another round of ivf and tested us, me and embryos and transferred 2 genetically normal embryos. One took and I saw the little heart beating on ultrasound. David wasn't with me because of planting being so crazy this year and I face timed him and had the ultrasound picture showing when he answered. I tried to take a screenshot of his reaction but did it wrong (I was a lot excited). He came in really close and said is that a baby?! I had bleeding the day before so we were worried but it was just normal implantation bleeding left over and there was a heartbeat and the day after my birthday we went up and like with William our baby had just passed! So 4 babies in right around a year. FOUR! So today and everyday we remember our babies until we meet in Heaven. This isn't how I expected our story to go but it is our story.

 

Happy Angelversary William

Yesterday was a day I never thought I would "celebrate". As the day grew closer and closer my anxiety went through the roof. How could it be a year? Our year should have looked so different. It should have been filled with kicks that David and Delainee could feel. It should have been filled with making a nursery. It should have been filled with first Christmas, first Easter, first Mother's Day and Father's Day as a bigger family. Starting baby food and learning to hold a bottle. Instead this year has been filled with different firsts. First holidays without our sweet boy and dreaming what he would be doing now had be been born around his December due date. He would be laughing at his silly sister and maybe even waking her at night. Instead our hearts are broken and will never be the same. No matter what our lives can't be the same. We can't undo the losses we have had. This week at bible school the kids were told about how God heals everyon, even if it isn't in the way we ask. William and his siblings have been healed in heaven. They never have to face this crazy world. That doesn't make it easy but knowing I will see them one day and have happy tears because I get to see their beautiful faces makes my heart happy. 

Delainee is absolutely the best sister. As we celebrated William she told me "I will 

be with you every step of the way today" and she was. She held me when I cried, she told me William is healed in heaven and she expressed her feeling to me. I am so thankful for her and David. I don't know if I would have made it without them. Our family may not be big on earth but it sure is in heaven! 

A tradition in our house is chocolate chip pancakes for birthdays. So I felt it would only be right for William's Angelversary. 

 We added 2 statues to our flower bed around our mailbox. I have decided this would be a good place for our remembrance garden. We planted 4 burning bushes for our 4 Angels here. 

Delainee let balloons go so that William would have balloons in Heaven. 

At dark we also let lanterns go. Mine didn't stay up but 2 made it. I just know William loved our "celebration". 

Until we meet again sweet boy. XOXOXOXO 

Reality Sucks

I thought infertility was going to be the hardest thing I would deal with. Once I got pregnant that I would carry my baby with no problems, just like I did with Delainee. 3 times my body has proven me wrong. 3 times! We did everything right. After our second loss I had panels run to check for blood clotting disorders. We did testing on our chromosomes and we did testing on embryos. Even still I became pregnant after we transferred 2 perfect embryos. One implanted and at 6 weeks had a heartbeat. The anxiety was always there. What if's. We went for our 8 week ultrasound and I knew before being told there was no heartbeat. And just like with William it just had happened. The baby measures perfect just no heartbeat. How does this keep happening to us? Why does it? We will likely never know those answers. It is amazing that Delainee is here. It is amazing my body didn't let her down. I don't know how to wrap my head around everything that has happened in the last year. I am just tired, so tired. And I have to learn to live for David and Delainee and stop living on the hope of giving them a son/daughter or brother/sister. Reality sucks and I hate it. I want my babies back. I want to be able to protect them, that is my job.

When enough is enough.

When do you call it quits? How do you decide you have tried as much as you possibly can? I knew I would know if we reached that point and here we are. We have gotten to the end of the road. To the right we have the option to continue. Continue trying to make Delainee a sister to a baby she can hold. Continue trying for another baby we can bring home with us. Continue pouring all of the money we have into fertility treatments. Continue having broken hearts when once again a cycle isn't successful or we hear the words I don't see a heartbeat. Continue having shots every night and 10 plus pills just to find out again they didn't work. Or on the other side we grieve and learn to live without the other way. We can focus on us and our family of 3 on this earth. Will that longing ever be gone? Probably not completely. But eventually you just know when enough is enough. And it doesn't have to be when you run out of embryos again. It can simply be because you miscarry again and your heart can't take another loss. It is when the fears again outweigh the wants, and for good reason. When financially and physically you just can't take enough. Over $40,000 is gone and until heaven we don't have our babies to hold. It is time to be our family of 3 and focus on Delainee. She wants to be a sister more than anything so now we have to make her, a 6 year old, understand that that isn't going to happen. It isn't going to be easy but it will be worth it. It will be worth it to not put all of our energy into building a family that isn't going to be. It will be worth it, it has to be worth it.

Edited May 27, 2015 I originally wrote this post 2 weeks ago when I started bleeding and thought yet again I was miscarrying. I went in the next day and we had a baby and a heartbeat. I could breath a little easy but still not as easy as the girl that was pregnant almost 7 years ago. Today we went for our 8 week check up and we found out our baby just passed. Sounds all too familiar. The your baby measures perfect there is just no heartbeat. We gained another angel in our welcome group in heaven. I often wonder will it only be our babies that passed after implanting or will it be all the embryos we transferred. I guess one day I will know that answer but it isn't today. Today my heart breaks for the baby inside of me that no longer has a beating heart. The baby that I wanted to protect and once again I wasn't able to. My heart breaks knowing that my big girl won't be a sister. Don't take one day for granted having the children your heart longs for. Your kids may fight and drive you crazy but someone else is wishing they had that chance. 

National Infertility Awareness Week

National Infertility Week is this week. I wouldn't have even known that 5 years ago. That is when this crazy journey began. May 1, 2010 to be exact. 

Infertility is defined as trying and not getting pregnant despite having carefully timed, unprotected sex for one year. It also is getting pregnant but not being able to carry a baby to term. Secondary infertility is defined as the inability to become pregnant, or to carry a pregnancy to term, following the birth of one or more biological children. The birth of the first child does not involve any assisted reproductive technologies or fertility medications. 

As most of you know that are reading this we have secondary infertility. We have a beautiful 6 year old daughter that is our world. After 3 years of trying for a sibling we finally went to an Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE). Before for doing to the RE I went to a standard RE and thyroid and PCOS was ruled out. I just knew there was something wrong yet once again nothing was pinpointed. We waited the long 16 weeks to get into the RE and as soon as she came in she said "you have PCOS" FINALLY a diagnosis that I knew all along yet everyone was telling me no. PCOS goes beyond blood tests. There are synptoms and the condition of the ovaries themselves. I had not even had an ultrasound at that point but she knew. Sure enough at my next appointment the ultrasound showed poly cystic ovaries. David was checked and cleared so essentially our infertility tests on my shoulders. No matter how much you shouldn't blame yourself it is hard not to. Infertility can take you to dark places. Since almost 2 years ago our journey has taken many twists and turns. We started with an IUI cycle, it got canceled because of over stimulation. We did 2 more cycles both were what the infertility world calls BFN (big fat negative). Next we moved onto IVF. In February 2014 we did egg retrieval. 5 days later we transferred 2 beautiful beyond. 8 days later we found out once again BFN. This was by far the hardest because my doctor had no reason why this cycle didn't work. Everything was PERFECT. The next month we transferred 2 more embryos. 8 days later once again we waited for the call with our blood results (I didn't test before). They called and BFP! We were pregnant! Finally our dreams are coming true! We went in at 6 weeks and saw 1 heartbeat and one embryo measuring behind. It was 50/50 if there would be a heartbeat next time. We went back one week later and there was a heartbeat on baby A this time but it was slow. Baby B looked right on track. Then 2 more weeks later we found out baby A didn't make it but baby B looked great. Next appointment was great and our next appointment was scheduled for just over 16 weeks with a new doctor. We were hoping to find out what the baby was, I couldn't get the sinking feeling out of my stomach. We went in and the tech asked if we wanted to know if she could tell and we said of course. She was quiet. Kept taking measurements and I kept searching for my babies flicker on that screen. By this point I was good at reading the ultrasound or at least where to see the heart. She stopped the exam, apologized and told us she was not finding the heartbeat. She went and got the doctor and he confirmed our baby passed within 24-48 hours before our appointment. Our biggest fears were now reality. All we could do is sob. The staff was great. The doctor explained our options and we decided to deliver the next day. I won't get into that but it was November before we were able to transfer again. Once again we transferred 2 embryos and once again BFN! We had 3 more embryos left and I told our dr I wanted them all. They thawed all 3 but only 2 woke up. It resulted in a BFP and we were due to go back December 30 for our first ultrasound. On Christmas Day, 6 months exactly since we delivered our sweet boy into Heaven, as we were releasing balloons I started bleeding. I was on bed rest through the weekend and on Monday we found out I was miscarrying. I don't think we have ever been ready to bring in a new year. We decided we will do one more IVF cycle. We had testing done on both of us for genetics and everything came back normal. We still decided to proceed with PGS (pre genetic screening) on our next embryos. We did this in March of this year. I responded much better then I ever had to injections and we decided to only send 13 of our embryos to be tested (it costs a flat fee for up to 8 then so much each embryo after that). Our of the 13 embryos 9 came back normal. This is completely normal. Once again no we don't have genetic markers that make us carriers for anything. Think about it this way. Not everyone gets pregnant every month they try. It is because of so many reasons but sometimes the egg and sperm don't make an embryo that would be compatible with life and it doesn't implant. Our 4 that didn't come back normal were all not compatible with life. None would have made it out of the first trimester. 

So that is where we are right now. That is our story up until this point. I pray one of our embryos will get to go home and make a take home healthy baby. When will we transfer? That is a decision David and I will make and it will be our little secret. We have a 6 year old who misses her brother more then anyone could ever understand. It is my JOB to protect her. If we tell someone we are transferring it would be her. And we aren't telling her because if we miscarry again I want to shield her as much as possible. The longer she knows I am pregnant the harder it is for her about a loss. She didn't know about the last loss until after and it doesn't affect her like losing William. She wants to be a sister to a brother or sister that is alive. And I can tell you she is the best sister to a heavenly brother that anyone could be! We appreciate prayers as we continue our journey and pray one day we will get to share wonderful news with everyone. 

Be kind to everyone, you never know who is struggling with infertility. I also have to remind myself just because someone has been married for years or because they have an older child doesn't mean getting pregnant comes easy to them. 

If you have infertility please don't feel ashamed. You are not alone. Infertility comes in many shapes and sizes but we are all in this group together. The more we speak out the more awareness will be brought to this. And hopefully one day insurance will have to cover infertility just like they do other diseases. 

Finally something goes our way!

Through our journey to expand our family nothing has come easy. Insurance doesn't cover any infertility so we are in over $30,000 for that. Then insurance didn't cover the genetic testing on William. They also sent a denial letter when we did a preauthorization for our genetic testing. BUT when we got that letter it states that genetic testing is only covered in fetal tissue. But yet it wasn't when they denied it 6 months prior. Well I contacted the lab first and the lady was super helpful and gave me codes I could include in an appeal and said she thought an appeal would be a good idea because all they could do is tell me no that particular test wasn't covered. She said the test they run on fetal tissue is more complicated then the test they run to see if we are carriers of something genetic and for that reason insurance doesn't usually cover that particular testing. Well I filed the claim and got the decision today. THEY ARE ADJUSTING TO COVER THE TESTING! This was a $2000 charge we had to pay because they didn't. So this amount can now go towards our testing (which for some reason we haven't been billed for yet). I am over the moon excited that something went our way. And thanking The Lord for this! 

IVF #2

In February we went for our preIVF blood work so that we could proceed with our IVF schedule. I took 30 days of birth control pills (ironic isn't it) and then went on March 9th for a baseline ultrasound and bloodwork. All was good so I startedy injections that might. I did 225 of follistim and went back on Monday March 16th. Everything looked great and I was progressing right how they want me to be. I had a much needed mom's day and visited friends and meet the most adorable little baby. Tuesday I continued on the follistim and also added ganerelix to keep my front runners from getting too far advanced. I did this Wednesday and after my checkup on Thursday also did this Thursday. And I triggered Friday. Sunday bright and early we checked in to my RE's office at 7am and I was soon taken to my room where they ask a bunch of questions, hook up the IV and have the anesthesiologist come in to address any concerns I might have. Before I knew it I was back in the surgery suite and I went from breathing oxygen to waking up in recovery. My first question of course was how many eggs. There was another retrieval right after me so they didn't have the report yet. Last time I had 19 to start with so I was afraid of I had less I would be disappointed. Well I certainly didn't have less! One of my nurses popped her head in and told me they retrieved 32 eggs! I was very shocked! My other nurse told me they wrote down my prediction number based on my ultrasounds and it was 18! I nearly doubled that! And I felt good leaving the hospital. We got home and I was tired so I slept in my chair and after I got up I felt so bloated. The bloating has continued since then. I look like I am pregnant and that isn't an exaggeration. So not only did I have to go on birth control before starting IVF but now I get to look pregnant even though I am not! What a cruel process. I am trying to get the fluid level to go down and will be watching it very close the next few days because of I gain too much weight I will likely have to go back to the office to be checked for ohss. We will NOT be doing a fresh transfer. We will have any blastocysts that we have tested at day 5 and freeze all embryos for future use. This is a very personal decision that David and I along with our Dr made. We are strictly checking to make sure we have healthy embryos to transfer. Any embryos that aren't compatible with life would result in another miscarriage and we can't put ourselves through that again. When we decide the time is right we will transfer again. But that will be between David and I. Pregnancy is suppose to be a joyful time. We lost 3 babies last year and I know in my heart I will be over the moon to be pregnant again someday. I will also be scared to death. So please just pray for us. Pray for the next year, heck pray for the next two! If we have news to share it will be in our time and to whom we feel comfortable. I can honestly say at this very moment, and since William died, I have no desire to tell anyone. Not family, not anyone. Please respect our decisions. Everyone grieves differently and also handles loss differently. This is how I am handling it. Another way I am handling it is I have recently signed up with Young Living Essential Oils. My kit came with Stress Away and Joy. I planned to use both of these during my IVF cycle. My wonderful friend Brie and her sister Katie also sent me Peace & Calming and Valor. So those for oils are my everyday oils. I also drink Ningxia Red which is made from wolfberries and very high in antioxidants and nutrients. It is very yummy! I am not sure if those or my weight loss contributed to a higher response this cycle or not but I have felt good so that is all that matters. I like lemon in my water and have used peppermint for headaches. I also use oils on my family but I won't get into all of that. If you do have oily questions send me a message! 

I will update this entry with my fertilization reports.

As of Monday March 23rd we found out 28 of the 32 eggs were mature (holy moly!) and 27 fertilized! Our next report will be on Wednesday to see how many have made it to day 3. 

Wednesday's report is in, at day 3 we have 26 embryos meeting their milestones. 

Friday's report is we are biopsying 13 embryos. We have more that could be tested but every one after 8 is an extra $350 so we had to draw the line somewhere.

As of this morning (Saturday March 28th) our official report for our "extra embryos" is 7 that are frozen without testing. We are so lucky to have so many embryos. This is not typically the way IVF works out. 

What was life like before?

I try to think back to 5 years ago. Delainee was almost 1 and we hadn't yet started "trying" for another baby. What was it like then? We just enjoyed her, us, our family? Honestly we can't even remember our lives before all of the stress, heartache and loss. I am not the mother I should be. I get mad too easily and my fuse is so short. I take it out on Delainee when I shouldn't and it breaks her heart as well as mine. Just relax, don't stress about it, it will happen have faith. No matter how much I try to do these things it doesn't happen. We are gearing up for a fresh IVF cycle and I am just worn down. I am ready to throw in my hat and be done. I don't know how we can possibly go through another loss, in the way of a failure or a miscarriage. I also don't know how we move on if we aren't able to carry another baby to term. Delainee talks daily about wanting to be a sister, a sister to a baby she can see and teach things like writing their name. How could I just give up on her? This isn't about just David and I. We did a lot of bloodwork to try to determine why we haven't been able to stay pregnant or get pregnant and nothing new has arisen. I still have PCOS and that is it. No clotting disorders, no chromosome disorders and we aren't carriers for anything. We will be doing PGS testing on our embryos from our IVF cycle to increase our odds by transferring only normal embryos. We know for sure William was normal but we don't know about the other 2 losses. And since they were early losses likely they weren't normal. We need prayers. Prayers for good results from PGS testing (to be done at the end of March) and prayers for a healthy pregnancy if we do have normal embryos. We don't know when we will transfer and likely won't make this public when we do decide but since we are doing PGS it will be a frozen cycle instead of fresh so we can wait as long as we feel we should. Please also pray that we will find ourselves again. The before stress couple that had high hopes for life. 

Ready for 2015!

I have never been more ready for a year to be over. Sure sometimes we have things to look forward to so we wish time away but I am just done with it. I want a fresh start. Our year has been the worst year of our lives. 

So after we had William I had surgery again for retained placenta. We were hoping to do a FET after that. Well my cycle was messed up so the next month. Then my cycle started too late and my Dr would be gone when we would transfer so another month behind! Finally in November we transferred 2 embryos. And we also learned I wasn't pregnant. How could our luck be stuck on terrible no good news still? We had 3 embryos left after this. I talked with my doctor and she agreed to thaw and transfer all embryos. So I prepared for my last cycle. Transfer day was December 5 and 2 of our 3 embryos survived the thaw and were transferred. On December 13 (12/13/14) we found out that it worked. My numbers were much lower then with the twins but that just meant there was probably one. I went back 2 days later and they like them to double in 48 hours and mine was a doubling time of around 32 hours so all was good! I was so scared when they called that it was bad news but it wasn't. I was due to go back December 29 but we changed it to 30th because of a scheduling conflict. 

Christmas started like any other Christmas with Santa, breakfast and present opening. Delainee also made a bracelet for William for Christmas so we were going to send it up with balloons. It was our first Christmas without our babies and also William's 6 month Angelversary. I felt something was off before we went out to let off the balloons but while we were out there the gush came. I rushed back into the house and there was blood. My heart sank. I had bleeding last time and it was just bleeding buy my heart told me different this time. I laid in bed, called my doctor and the bleeding was letting up. She wasn't real concerned because bleeding is very common in IVF pregnancies. My bleeding got worse through the day and I wasn't able to do anything. We didn't even have our Christmas meal. I called the office Friday and they said they wanted to see me first thing Monday to see what was going on and to rest all weekend. Well Monday brought bad news. No baby and my numbers had decreased. I miscarried. We lost 3 babies this year. 3! It isn't fair. Not one bit! And now we are battling insurance to cover testing to see if there are more underlying conditions. If it isn't one thing it is another! 

So as you can see we welcome 2015! The future is uncertain but for now we will focus on health and continue our journey later. It is time for a break to try to find the people we once were. 

Sweet Wlliam

Sweet Baby Boy-

I can not believe tomorrow is the day, the day you were due. It has been over 5 months since I felt you move. I miss you every second of every day, we all do. Delainee talks about you all the time. She misses you so much. She is truly the best big sister and you are so lucky to have her. I just wish she could see you like you can see her. I wish she could hold you, feed you and smell that sweet new baby smell you would have. I wish I could see your daddy holding his baby boy. I just know you would look just like him. That cute chin dimple and big blue eyes. We prayed for you, we wanted you and we waited for you. Now we miss you even more! I should be up at night either feeding you or because I am so pregnant my bladder feels full every 20 minutes. I wish I could wake up and you would be here with us. One day we will meet again in Heaven, what a glorious day that will be! One day William I pray that you will be a big brother and watch over your baby brother or sister. It has been a long and hard road and continues to be and it makes me miss you more and more. I will always wonder what happened, why your little heart stopped and why you couldn't live with us on earth. Why after everything you were just gone. We will always remember you! Our lives will never be the same without you but I am so glad we had you, if even for a moment. I pray you are playing in dirt and combining corn in heaven as you would on earth. Watch over us sweet boy. Give your twin a hug for us. We love him/her so much also. I am sure Baby White welcomed you with open arms when you arrived in Heaven. Please be with us this month as we celebrate Christmas with you here.

Love you so much babies!
Mamma

Should be...

Tomorrow I should be 34 weeks pregnant, but today is 4 months without my William. I should be nearly finished Christmas shopping so that I don't have to worry about doing it a newborn. We should have done family pictures of our family of 3 for the last time with me pregnant. Instead Delainee had her pictures taken today and we didn't do family pictures because the thought of it made me sad. In 6 weeks from tomorrow will be William's due date. In 2 months from today we should be celebrating Christmas as a family of 4 or 5 but instead it will be 6 months since William went to heaven. I will get to decorate an angel tree instead of a nursery. My life before William was filled with dreams of our someday baby. Now it is what should have been. I will miss my babies every day. If only I could turn back time and feel William move one more time. Or if I would have recorded his heartbeat I could listen to it now. 

Pictures from Wave of Light. There were many candles lite for our babies and their angel friends and I am so thankful for those people that remembered. 

Our candles for our babies and many of their angel friends. And one for the many more Angels in heaven! 

We also relieved this beautiful rose to let us know they remembered our babies! Thank you Nancy and Kevin! 

Three months

I can't believe today at this time 3 months ago I was being brought to my hospital room from recovery. I delivered my baby boy into heaven and then was whisked away to emergent surgery to remove retained placent. I had such a peace come over me that night. I knew that my baby was in heaven and for a brief moment I was ok with that. I think it must have been the drugs they used to put me under. I don't remember dreaming but maybe I had a look into heaven and knew how well he would be looked after until I can join him. I really don't know what made me feel that way but I had a moment of peace. That moment was gone the next day. It all set in and I was taken to my car with no baby. I left the hospital with a memory box. Not a baby. My husband didn't get to put a Carseat in and check it 100 times to make sure it was in good. He didn't get to stuff a bunch of It's a Boy balloons into the car. We got a box. I am so grateful for that box but I would much rather have my baby. I can't believe it has been three months. A lady on one of my FET groups had her twins at 29w3d. We were on the exact same cycle. She has babies that are fighting and doing amazing and I have angel's. I am so thankful her girls are doing so good! I am sad for myself. So many mixed emotions. I think of the future and I am scared. What if it happens again. I never thought I would survive baby loss and I have. But I really don't think I could survive it again. Not completely. I pray that when the time is right that God keeps my baby(s) safe. That we will bring our rainbow home and Delainee will get to be the big sister she deserves to be. She loves her brother so much. She is truly a blessing. Methodist Women's Hospital had a day of remembrance this past Sunday and the three of us attended. It was very emotional. Way more so then I was prepared for. Here are some pictures I took.