The Holiday Season

As I sit here listing to Christmas music and thinking back on the joy I used to have it makes me sad. Now when I think about the holiday season I think about doctor appointments. Literally when I try to think of smells of the season I think of my doctors office. I don't think of cinnamon, pine and all things spice. I think of sterile rooms, the warmth of a running ultrasound machine, cold instruments of a transfer and the joy that brought me. That is missing this holiday season and along with that is all joy I normally have. Looking at my day in history on Facebook today I saw how 2 years ago I had 9 trees decorated. 9! We have one this year and I put it up and put the light on it and a few things at the top but Delainee decorated it. That would not have happened before. I have always been so particular about my trees. In a way it is good because I let her have that joy and pride but I miss it. And I don't think it will ever be the same. I haven't even done any Christmas shopping yet! I feel like something is missing and it goes beyond my babies. I am missing that schedule of transfers, ultrasounds and blood draws. That was my normal for 2 holiday seasons and now it is gone. No baby when I should have a one year old (olds) no baby when I should have a 3 month old. No baby when I should have a hurting back from carrying around a big pregnant belly. I love David and Delainee with more of me than I thought ever possible but there will always be a place in my heart that will always be missing. Our William would be one next week if he would have lived. He would be possibly starting to walk, eating manly the foods we do and drinking milk. And he would get to enjoy his first Christmas cookie and leave cookies with his sister for Santa. And he would be on our Christmas card. He would get to open birthday presents and Christmas presents all in the same month! And I would love every minute of him having a birthday close to Christmas because that would mean he is alive! Alive in my arms, preventing me from blogging because he would be into the tree right now. Trying to eat ornaments, or even the cat food! I miss him, I miss them, I miss me.