Three months

I can't believe today at this time 3 months ago I was being brought to my hospital room from recovery. I delivered my baby boy into heaven and then was whisked away to emergent surgery to remove retained placent. I had such a peace come over me that night. I knew that my baby was in heaven and for a brief moment I was ok with that. I think it must have been the drugs they used to put me under. I don't remember dreaming but maybe I had a look into heaven and knew how well he would be looked after until I can join him. I really don't know what made me feel that way but I had a moment of peace. That moment was gone the next day. It all set in and I was taken to my car with no baby. I left the hospital with a memory box. Not a baby. My husband didn't get to put a Carseat in and check it 100 times to make sure it was in good. He didn't get to stuff a bunch of It's a Boy balloons into the car. We got a box. I am so grateful for that box but I would much rather have my baby. I can't believe it has been three months. A lady on one of my FET groups had her twins at 29w3d. We were on the exact same cycle. She has babies that are fighting and doing amazing and I have angel's. I am so thankful her girls are doing so good! I am sad for myself. So many mixed emotions. I think of the future and I am scared. What if it happens again. I never thought I would survive baby loss and I have. But I really don't think I could survive it again. Not completely. I pray that when the time is right that God keeps my baby(s) safe. That we will bring our rainbow home and Delainee will get to be the big sister she deserves to be. She loves her brother so much. She is truly a blessing. Methodist Women's Hospital had a day of remembrance this past Sunday and the three of us attended. It was very emotional. Way more so then I was prepared for. Here are some pictures I took.