Ready for 2015!

I have never been more ready for a year to be over. Sure sometimes we have things to look forward to so we wish time away but I am just done with it. I want a fresh start. Our year has been the worst year of our lives. 

So after we had William I had surgery again for retained placenta. We were hoping to do a FET after that. Well my cycle was messed up so the next month. Then my cycle started too late and my Dr would be gone when we would transfer so another month behind! Finally in November we transferred 2 embryos. And we also learned I wasn't pregnant. How could our luck be stuck on terrible no good news still? We had 3 embryos left after this. I talked with my doctor and she agreed to thaw and transfer all embryos. So I prepared for my last cycle. Transfer day was December 5 and 2 of our 3 embryos survived the thaw and were transferred. On December 13 (12/13/14) we found out that it worked. My numbers were much lower then with the twins but that just meant there was probably one. I went back 2 days later and they like them to double in 48 hours and mine was a doubling time of around 32 hours so all was good! I was so scared when they called that it was bad news but it wasn't. I was due to go back December 29 but we changed it to 30th because of a scheduling conflict. 

Christmas started like any other Christmas with Santa, breakfast and present opening. Delainee also made a bracelet for William for Christmas so we were going to send it up with balloons. It was our first Christmas without our babies and also William's 6 month Angelversary. I felt something was off before we went out to let off the balloons but while we were out there the gush came. I rushed back into the house and there was blood. My heart sank. I had bleeding last time and it was just bleeding buy my heart told me different this time. I laid in bed, called my doctor and the bleeding was letting up. She wasn't real concerned because bleeding is very common in IVF pregnancies. My bleeding got worse through the day and I wasn't able to do anything. We didn't even have our Christmas meal. I called the office Friday and they said they wanted to see me first thing Monday to see what was going on and to rest all weekend. Well Monday brought bad news. No baby and my numbers had decreased. I miscarried. We lost 3 babies this year. 3! It isn't fair. Not one bit! And now we are battling insurance to cover testing to see if there are more underlying conditions. If it isn't one thing it is another! 

So as you can see we welcome 2015! The future is uncertain but for now we will focus on health and continue our journey later. It is time for a break to try to find the people we once were. 

Sweet Wlliam

Sweet Baby Boy-

I can not believe tomorrow is the day, the day you were due. It has been over 5 months since I felt you move. I miss you every second of every day, we all do. Delainee talks about you all the time. She misses you so much. She is truly the best big sister and you are so lucky to have her. I just wish she could see you like you can see her. I wish she could hold you, feed you and smell that sweet new baby smell you would have. I wish I could see your daddy holding his baby boy. I just know you would look just like him. That cute chin dimple and big blue eyes. We prayed for you, we wanted you and we waited for you. Now we miss you even more! I should be up at night either feeding you or because I am so pregnant my bladder feels full every 20 minutes. I wish I could wake up and you would be here with us. One day we will meet again in Heaven, what a glorious day that will be! One day William I pray that you will be a big brother and watch over your baby brother or sister. It has been a long and hard road and continues to be and it makes me miss you more and more. I will always wonder what happened, why your little heart stopped and why you couldn't live with us on earth. Why after everything you were just gone. We will always remember you! Our lives will never be the same without you but I am so glad we had you, if even for a moment. I pray you are playing in dirt and combining corn in heaven as you would on earth. Watch over us sweet boy. Give your twin a hug for us. We love him/her so much also. I am sure Baby White welcomed you with open arms when you arrived in Heaven. Please be with us this month as we celebrate Christmas with you here.

Love you so much babies!
Mamma

Should be...

Tomorrow I should be 34 weeks pregnant, but today is 4 months without my William. I should be nearly finished Christmas shopping so that I don't have to worry about doing it a newborn. We should have done family pictures of our family of 3 for the last time with me pregnant. Instead Delainee had her pictures taken today and we didn't do family pictures because the thought of it made me sad. In 6 weeks from tomorrow will be William's due date. In 2 months from today we should be celebrating Christmas as a family of 4 or 5 but instead it will be 6 months since William went to heaven. I will get to decorate an angel tree instead of a nursery. My life before William was filled with dreams of our someday baby. Now it is what should have been. I will miss my babies every day. If only I could turn back time and feel William move one more time. Or if I would have recorded his heartbeat I could listen to it now. 

Pictures from Wave of Light. There were many candles lite for our babies and their angel friends and I am so thankful for those people that remembered. 

Our candles for our babies and many of their angel friends. And one for the many more Angels in heaven! 

We also relieved this beautiful rose to let us know they remembered our babies! Thank you Nancy and Kevin! 

Three months

I can't believe today at this time 3 months ago I was being brought to my hospital room from recovery. I delivered my baby boy into heaven and then was whisked away to emergent surgery to remove retained placent. I had such a peace come over me that night. I knew that my baby was in heaven and for a brief moment I was ok with that. I think it must have been the drugs they used to put me under. I don't remember dreaming but maybe I had a look into heaven and knew how well he would be looked after until I can join him. I really don't know what made me feel that way but I had a moment of peace. That moment was gone the next day. It all set in and I was taken to my car with no baby. I left the hospital with a memory box. Not a baby. My husband didn't get to put a Carseat in and check it 100 times to make sure it was in good. He didn't get to stuff a bunch of It's a Boy balloons into the car. We got a box. I am so grateful for that box but I would much rather have my baby. I can't believe it has been three months. A lady on one of my FET groups had her twins at 29w3d. We were on the exact same cycle. She has babies that are fighting and doing amazing and I have angel's. I am so thankful her girls are doing so good! I am sad for myself. So many mixed emotions. I think of the future and I am scared. What if it happens again. I never thought I would survive baby loss and I have. But I really don't think I could survive it again. Not completely. I pray that when the time is right that God keeps my baby(s) safe. That we will bring our rainbow home and Delainee will get to be the big sister she deserves to be. She loves her brother so much. She is truly a blessing. Methodist Women's Hospital had a day of remembrance this past Sunday and the three of us attended. It was very emotional. Way more so then I was prepared for. Here are some pictures I took. 

Cleaning out my should be nursery

Back in June we started the transition to Delainee's you room being downstairs in our finished basement so that we could have that room for our nursery. I has a schedule of when I wanted to be done and I was hitting all of my goals. I order a stand for the mattress set so that it can be a "guest room" also if someone stays. I ordered a new comforter and sheets. I was sorting things had a had a goal of having it all moved down by the end of June. David was moving the big stuff and I would move the smaller things. We were suppose to go to our appointment. We were hopefully going to find out what we were having. Would it be a rustic boys nursery or a pastel vintage girl nursery. Would I want to use Delainee's old crib or would we just get a whole new set? That is how it was suppose to be. That is what was suppose to happen. I wasn't suppose to finish moving her things in September to only have a empty room that has her old baby toys in the closet. I should be picking wall colors for my baby boys nursery. I should be looking a 100's of crib sets and trying to decide if I even want to have one or just sheets and a bumper pad. Who uses the quilt anyway? I had considered making the bumper pad myself. So many people think they are dangerous but we had one with Delainee. Instead I have a room that has the last of the things I went through that I am hoping to rehome because Delainee no longer needs them. Then it will just be empty. No new life being put into it. I don't get to do any of those things that I was suppose to be doing. My first baby boy will never be in my arms. He will never sleep in a crib. He will never get to be held by his big sister. She was so excited to be a big sister. She talks about William all the time. She wishes he could come back from heaven. She took ultrasound pictures to school for her about me bag. She told her class that her baby brother died and is in heaven. They asked her why and she told them she didn't know. I told her I didn't know either. She prays that she wishes he could come back and that she wants to have us forever and please don't let her parents die. It breaks my heart. She is 5 but she is hurting. She wants to wear her I'm a big sister shirt to school. I just can't let her. Not now. Maybe not ever. I don't want to send mixed messages to anyone. I know she is a big sister, she knows that she is a big sister but not everyone will understand that. Being a big sister to an Angel is so hard. Being a mother to an Angel is even harder. Christmas Day will be 6 months since I delivered my baby boy into heaven. And when I say delivered I mean delivered. I think people may be confused because at 16 weeks it is considered a miscarriage. I personally hate that word. I was induced because my baby didn't have a heartbeat. I labored and delivered my William at 6:57 pm. I then had to have surgery because my body didn't want to let go of his placenta. It still had 24 more months to nourish him. Little did I know even after an emergency D&C I would still have retained placenta. I had another surgery 3 weeks ago to remove the rest as well as scar tissue. 2 different surgeries (histeroscopy for the second) to remove the remainder of my pregnancy. I feel physically "normal" now I guess. I honestly am not sure what normal feels like but I think this is it. Most days I want to just take David and Delainee and run. Run far away and never look back. I am scared of the furture. I know that when David and I decide the time is right and we proceed with another FET that I will be so scared. I don't even think I can wrap my head around just how bad it will be. With the twins I was scared. And I lost baby White and my heart cracked. I had William to focus on. I always had the what if. You know preparing myself for the worst. Little did I know I wasn't prepared at all. I couldn't have possibly been prepared. I knew people who had been through it but I went into fertility treatments with the feeling that if I could get pregnant I would stay pregnant. I could really slap myself for that. Now I know, I know what the dark side looks like. I know the feeling of why hasn't the tech shown up the heartbeat, why don't I see the flicker. I know the sound of being told how sorry people are. The emptiness when we knew there was no heartbeat but the doctor checking for himself and stopping over my son's heart and it being a flat line. No sound. The only sound would have been my heart breaking. Unless you have lived it and I pray many have not then you just really don't fully understand. I know I thought I did. My heart hurt for another local couple that learned of their baby passing. I tried to imagine how devastated I would be. Turns out I couldn't imagine just how bad it would hurt. I with be thankful when we have another pregnancy. Oh so thankful. But I will be scared to death. So if you are reading this and in the furture you congratulate me and I look scared, it is because I will be. If you didn't even know I was pregnant it isn't because I am not happy to be pregnant, I will be scared and holding my breath until I hold my baby. And please don't ask when we plan to try again. The be honest it isn't anyone's business unless we tell them. We can't replace William and his twin. A new baby won't fill that void. Life will never be the same but it is the new normal. 

It just hits me

Sometimes it just hits me. Much like a ton of bricks. I lost my babies, both of them. I can be sitting down watching tv and my heart breaks all over again, out of nowhere. They are gone. I will never hear their cries and kiss their sweet lips. I will miss you for always my babies. There will always be a huge piece of my heart that left when you did. It has been over a month since I delivered William and I just still can't wrap my head around it. I miss the movements and the sound of his heart. I should be 21 weeks pregnant. Instead I am days away from being 5 weeks post delivery and my womb and arms are empty. Hugs and kisses by Jesus from me babies!

Thank you so much mom and dad for this beautiful necklace. 

It was all taken away

22 days ago so many things were taken from me. First my son, William Lawrence White. I didn't when have the chance to say hello before saying goodbye. His first smile. His first laugh. Pulling his sister's hair. Discovering his hands and feet.  Rolling all over the house. Crawling. Walking. Running. Riding in the combine with his dad. Wearing overalls and John Deere boots. Would he has his daddy's chin like Delainee does? Would he have my curly hair? What color would his hair be? Would he have his dad's beautiful blue eyes? Would he be a mamma's boy? I can just see him fishing with daddy. Playing tractors in a corn pile and making mud pies. His first day of preschool, would he be scared or not even have time to give me a kiss goodbye? There is a life time of things that were taken from us. We will never know what his first word would have been or what his voice would sound like. I did get the opportunity to feel him move and I will forever cherish that and the ultrasounds where we got to hear and see his heart beating. He was so alive and so perfect. And now he is gone. He is in the most beautiful place but I still miss him. Delainee says our babies make the stars shine in the sky. I miss both of our babies so much. Losing his sibling was hard but we still had hope. I always knew at every milestone I would think of his twin and wish there were 2 milestones. Never in my worst nightmares did I think there wouldn't be a milestone at all. At every appointment I would get nervous until I saw his heart beating but never was prepared for if it wasn't. I remember watching the ultrasound and thought usually they take a look and then go back to the heart and show us the flicker. This was different. I didn't see the flicker and the ultrasound tech was quiet. But she was new to us so until she confirmed my worst fears I just held on to hope. Held on to the fact that we would maybe find out the gender that day. Then I could start planning. But instead that was taken from us, he was taken from us. I will never have a normal pregnancy again. Sure it may look like it to family and friends and strangers I meet in the elevator but it will never be normal. I will have fears that no mother should have. And it won't be fears because it happened to someone else. No it will be because it happened to me. I had a normal pregnancy and a healthy baby and now I am empty. I didn't lose my baby because it was would spare heartache later. I lost my baby for no known reason. So how could I go through a pregnancy like it is a normal healthy pregnancy? My normal healthy pregnancy and baby ended at 16 weeks without warning. My body didn't signal a problem, it just happened. That day I also lost any innocence that I could have possibly had left. 

Too Beautiful for Earth

The last 2 weeks and 2 days have slipped away fast and at the same time it has been the longest of my life. It has for sure been the hardest thing I have ever been though. No parent should even have to hear the words "I am sorry there is no heartbeat". My world shattered. The air was taken from my lungs. I was on complete overload. How could this happen? We had seen our baby 4 times before and it was perfect. We did an ultrasound screening for Down syndrome, Trisomy 13 and Trisomy 18 and everything came back normal. That was the last time we got to see our baby's heart beating. You get through the first trimester and it is suppose to be a breath of relief that you made it to the other side! The side of less risk! A first trimester miscarriage happens 10-15% of the time but as much as 50% because some could be so early women just thought they had a late period. A second trimester loss up to 20 weeks is 1-5% and over 20 weeks .3%. Our baby was 16 weeks. Until 20 weeks a loss is called a miscarriage. I don't like that word because it is like people that haven't been there consider a miscarriage like it shouldn't be a big deal. I lost my baby. I could feel my baby move and see the heart beating. That is a baby. This is our last ultrasound picture. 

Does that look like a baby? Yes! 

We delivered our baby at Methodist Women's Hospital. They were amazing. Our day labor and delivery nurses were absolutely wonderful. They gave us so much information and were always asking what they could do for us. After I delivered the baby I lost a lot of blood. They were getting the OR team ready when I finally delivered the placenta. Unfortunately I did not deliver it in tact and a piece was left behind so I still had to have a D&C done. I have been on iron since coming home because my hemoglobin had went from 13 to 10 from all of the blood loss. I have recovered very well physically and never felt like I couldn't take on the world but was on restrictions for the first 2 weeks because I did have surgery. 

Wednesday we went to the doctor hoping they would have some answers but knew it was possible they wouldn't know yet. We found out that our baby was a beautiful baby boy. William Lawrence was delivered into heaven on June 25 at 6:57 pm. I did not see our baby boy but David did and he said he was beautiful. He had some abnormalities but we found out that was normal because he had passed a few days before I was induced. So it was just swelling and fluid retention. He will always be beautiful in my mind. William is named after 2 wonderful men. William is my late grandpa's middle name and Lawrence is David's late grandpa's name. Our baby boy is in heaven with these wonderful men now. We also found out that William was perfect and had no chromosome disorders, not even a fraction of a disorder. I had a competent cervix (which is why I had to be induced) and the placenta was perfect with only a little inflammation. The doctor believes that inflammation was from the twin we found out we lost at 9 weeks. There was no reason for our loss. Our baby boy was very capable of life. It could be that he passed because we lost the twin but so many pregnancies start as twins and end with one healthy baby. So basically he was too beautiful for earth. 

I will never know the answers to why us or why him but once I am holding my babies in heaven I won't even care about those answers. I have to trust God through this. He is hurting right along with us. He gets the wonderful job of keeping my babies safe until I am with them one day. Were these the answers I was hoping for? Honestly no. I don't know if any answer would have given me relief though. I would still have the why's. I do have more peace knowing I didn't do anything wrong. The doctor said there is absolutely nothing we can do differently next time. He also said there is no reason we can't transfer 2 embryos again. There is no higher risk for me then anyone else for having a loss like this again. We aren't transferring 2 embryos in hopes for twins. We have transferred 2 in hopes of a healthy baby in our arms. I won't have a normal pregnancy again. I will be scared, even more then I already was. I will be worried our baby's heart will stop. I won't quit worrying until my baby is born, healthy and in my arms. And then I will have a whole new set of worries. We do have plans on trying again. We will be keeping our journey ours. When we want to share news we will but only in our time. 

This has been a very personal struggle that I am sharing in hopes that I will help even one women to feel like she is not alone. I have meet some wonderful women along the way that will forever change my life, all because I shared my story. A huge thank you to two wonderful women I have meet, Brie and Amy M, without these two I don't know what I would do! Also a huge thank you to everyone that has made us meals, delivered meals over and over (Amy H and Sam), sent cards and the well wishes and prayers. They have all meant so much to us. 

I am leaving with some pictures I have seen that reflect how I feel right now. Sorry there are several. God bless! 

How to even begin...

This is by far going to be the hardest post I will ever write. 

On Tuesday June 24 we had our first appointment with our Perinatal Dr. I was 16 weeks 1-2 days and we were very much hoping to find out what we were having. The ultrasound tech started the ultrasound and it was quiet. I searched the screen for that little flicker so I could relax that our baby was healthy and growing. She measured the head, abdomen and a leg. The baby measured right on. She stopped and told us she was going to go get Dr. B and that she was so sorry to tell us but she couldn't find a heartbeat. My whole world shattered. I think I had to tell myself to breath because it wasn't just a reflex anymore. David and I sat in the room waiting for the Dr in total shock. Our healthy baby had passed. This can't be happening. The doctor came in and told us how sorry he was and took a look. He tried to find the heartbeat but it was gone. He said everything normal that he could see, he had no reason for us. He also told us by size our baby would have passed 24-48 hours prior. He gave us options and allowed us to talk about it and we decided we would deliver our baby and we wanted an autopsy performed. 

So June 25 we checked into the hospital at 7:30 and I began medicine to help dilate my cervix. My water broke at 4:25 and we waited. At 6:57 our baby was delivered. I don't want to go into specifics about that right now but will share that story in time. 

Right now we could all use extreme prayers. I feel the prayers we have been receiving and we need them in the days and weeks to come. Our precious twins are together in heaven enjoying family. For anyone that did not know this pregnancy started as twins but we lost one between 7-9 weeks. Thank you in advance for the prayers.  

Graduation day!

I thought this day would never come! Nearly 11 months ago we decided to take the next step,after trying for a second child for over 3 years, and saw Dr Doherty for the first time. At the consultation we were extremely satisfied with what she had to say and that day marked the start to our journey. It wasn't an easy journey but it got us to where we are today. We did 3 medicated cycles 1 being canceled and 2 being unsuccessful iui's. We then moved to IVF and transferred two of the most beautiful embryos my doctor had seen in a long time. Again we got a BFN. We were devastated. Devastation probably is an understatement. IUI failures hurt but IVF it was like I failed my babies. They were perfect and my body let them down. My job as a mother is to keep my babies safe and I wasn't able to do that. We moved right on to our FET. I had the transfer on March 21 and found out March 30 that it worked! That our prayers had been answered and we were pregnant! PREGNANT! I still am overjoyed that there is a baby growing in my tummy :) 

Yesterday was our last visit to our RE. It was very bittersweet. Our doctor helped our dreams come true. She was there for us in the bad times and the good. The nurses are wonderful and I am going to miss them all. We will meet with our new doctor towards the end of June and I have faith we will have just as excellent care from them.  I am excited to see our baby grow bigger and bigger until we finally get to meet him or her. I have seen many blogs with pregnancy questions so I thought it would be fun to do every so often. 

How far along: 12 weeks 6 days 

Total Weight Gain/Loss: As of the last time I weighed this week I was down 9 pounds! 

Maternity clothes: Not yet. 

Stretch marks: Only from Delainee.  

Sleep: I sleep pretty good. Sometimes I don't even get up once to go to the bathroom. The past few days I haven't slept as good because I have a sunburn. 

Best moment this week: We had our last appointment with our RE and got to see our little baby. 

Movement: Not yet.

Food cravings: I haven't had any real cravings. Things sound good sometimes is all. 

Gender: Don't know yet. Delainee says boy. David says boy. I think girl. 

Labor signs: N/A

Belly button - in or out? In. Have never had a belly button out so that would freak me out! 

What I miss: That is hard because I am

so thankful to have this baby growing. 

What I am looking forward to: Finding out what we're having and movements. 

Milestones: Getting past the morning sickness. It has improved so much! 

Here is a picture of our baby from yesterday. It was a tired baby that didn't want to wake up. The tech was shaking my stomach and poking around but the only reaction she got was arms thrown up like leave me alone! 

FET cycle #1

It is always hard to figure out how to start these posts. If you read my last post you know that back in March we found out our IVF didn't work so our next step was FET. FET is a frozen embryo transfer. After our fresh cycle we were blessed to have 8 embryos waiting for us. So we started our next cycle and planned to transfer 2 embryos. With a FET the protocol is different. Instead of doing shots to stimulate my ovaries I actually suppress them and build up the lining of my uterus. So I took the estrace pills for 10 days then went in for an ultrasound to check my lining. Everything looked great so we were on for transfer on that Friday. I started PIO (progesterone in oil) shots that Monday once a day. When I went in for transfer they draw blood and said my levels were low so I was increased to 2 shots a day! Here is a picture of our embryos the morning of the transfer. The top row is frozen and bottom is after they woke up. 

We would go back in 9 days (usually 8 but we had a scheduling conflict) for a BETA to see if I was pregnant. We stayed in Omaha because it was a weekend and I had to be there before 730. I rolled out of bed and went, came back to the hotel and we ate breakfast, I showered (praying my phone would ring while I was in the shower so David would get the news) and then after my shower my phone rang. My heart jumped out of my body and I caught my breath and answered. "Melissa this is (nurses name I don't remember) I am calling to tell you that you are pregnant!" I said yay and David started cheering and so did Delainee (although she had no idea why she was). I am pregnant! It worked! I was beside myself! I wanted a pregnancy test now so I could see that positive! My BETA was 181. Very very pregnant! They like to see it over 50. So on our way home we picked up HPT and folic acid because they wanted me on extra. When we got home the first thing I did was pee on that stick! And here it is! 

Isn't that a beauty? We went back 2 days later for a second BETA. They like it to double every 48-72 hours. My number was 407 more then doubled! Then the long 2 week wait to ultrasound. At this time I picked up Delainee's cold and slept half my day away. I was so tired!

The morning of my ultrasound I started spotting. Which I know this can happen but I was so happy I had an ultrasound that day! We went and there were 2 sacs. One had a heartbeat and one didn't. They said the one without (baby A) may or may not develop and spotting was normal. We left the office and I had mixed emotions. That little flicker of a heartbeat was beautiful but I was so sad my baby A may not make it. They scheduled me to come back one week later. I was to go to a meeting that afternoon and went to the bathroom before leaving the house and started bleeding. Not spotting bright red bleeding with clots and extreme cramping. It was no period cramping. I called and the nurse said to lay down to let my cervix and uterus calm down and then call and let them know how the bleeding was. It was better and gradually went away. They said it was hard to tell why I bleed but it is common and happens all the time. I would still go back in a week because they wouldn't want to irritate anything more then it already was. Here is a picture from my first ultrasound. 

Baby A didn't have a heartbeat Baby B did. 

Our next ultrasound a week later we still had 2 babies. Baby B had a 145 heart rate and measured 7 weeks 1 day (right on). Baby A had a weak heart around 74 I believe but it was beating! Measured 6 weeks 3 days so 5 days behind Baby B. They told us it was 50/50 if Baby A would make it and my next ultrasound would be in 2 long weeks! During all this time I had some spotting off and on but again very normal with IVF and multiple pregnancies. No more bleeding. Here are our babies from that ultrasound. 

This is Baby A. It was high up so hard for them to get a good look and picture. 

This is Baby B. 

I had been feeling sick but not getting sick until this appointment. I started getting sick more and more so the following week started taking a prescription to help me. It was a miracle pill for about 4 days. Then I got sick again. It does help though. Sometimes I just have to stop fighting my body and just do what it says and I feel better. 

Tuesday May 6 was our next ultrasound. I would be 9 weeks and 1 day if you go off of Baby B's measurements from 7 weeks. We got there and when the ultrasound tech started the ultrasound I could see the screen and saw my baby but she kept looking then went back to the baby. She said here is it's little arms and legs and we listened to the heart 180! She then told us our other baby stopped growing. I knew when I only saw one baby and an empty looking sac but the words confirmed it. I lost my baby. I am so thankful for my healthy baby. And I know my baby gave it all he had but God took him to be with him. I will see my baby again someday but until then there are ao many family members enjoying him (I say him because that is what my heart says). My heart is so happy I have a healthy baby growing  but it will always long for the baby we lost. Here is out baby at 9 weeks 1 day. 

See it's little arms and legs? 

I am writing this post on Thursday but posting it Sunday because that is when we will have told family. Delainee will find out Friday so I don't have a reaction from her yet but I can't wait to tell her! 

I will always have infertility. I will always be bitter when people get pregnant easy. But I also wouldn't be who I am today without this journey. And the journey isn't over. Happy Mother's Day to all the moms out there. Mommy's of angels and of babies, toddlers, teens and adults. We are all moms! 

So I thought it would be fun to figure up how many PIO shots I have and will finish up with (Tuesday!) for this cycle. The total is....110 shots! And they are a 1 1/2 inch needle in the upper outer butt. I have welts on my rear and honestly think it will never be the same but it has been so worth it! I also take 8 pills daily! I will start decreasing the estrace (blue) on Tuesday and finish them the first few days of June. I will also finish the metformin after my next appointment which is May 30. I will continue to take the prenatal and extra folic acid for the remainder of my pregnancy and hopefully I will quit the nausea meds (not pictured) in the coming month. 

Please continue to pray that this baby will be healthy and so will my pregnancy. Thank you for all the prayers during this difficult time. 

IVF

So a lot has gone on since I last posted. I was waiting to find out from our RE what she recommended for our next step. Well she recommended IVF. So here is our journey...

On January 14th David and I went in for our pre-IVF bloodwork. They want to make sure you don't have anything blood born that you would pass on so they test for HIV, Hepatitis C and B and also RPR. I also had a cycle day 3 lab draw at the same time to check FSH, Thyroid, E2 and I think something else. I am the worlds worst person to give blood. My veins are like not existent! They have a light they can put on my arm to see the veins and they are like little spider veins and one good one in each arm! If I am lucky they stick me once buy usually I am

Not that lucky. And sometimes I get to go home with matching bruises! I have been stuck for blood more times through this then I have my whole life! Then on January 15 I started birth control (who knew getting pregnant meant preventing it lol). The birth control helps to get my body ready for the medication that is going to he thrown it's way. 

On February 7 I went up for a baseline ultrasound and another blood draw! The lab techs are starting to recognize me and not in a good way! My doctor is the one that typically draws my blood. Everything looked good so I started Follistim 225 a night on February 8-12 and back for another ultrasound and bloodwork on the 13th. Once again everything was looking just as planned. My E2 was 505 which they said was right on course. So I continued the same dose and on the 15th added Ganirelix also. This is to keep me from ovulating on my own and to stop an front runners from getting too far ahead. I went back the 16th for yep you guessed it ultrasound and bloodwork. My E-2 was 1465 or something like that. They called and said to do one more night of both meds then on Monday I would trigger for a Wednesday egg retrieval. 

Egg retrieval February 19!

We had to be at the hospital at 730 for a 830 retrieval. I couldn't eat or drink past midnight and we had to make the nearly 2 hour drive. I survived it better then I thought I would. So I waited around in the preop room for about an hour then they wheeled me over to the OR and I walked in, the embryologist came and checked my wristband and then my doctor helped me up onto the table. I stretched my arms out, they strapped them down, gave me some oxygen and said they were going to put my medicine in my IV. Next thing I know I am waking up in recovery. Shortly they brought David back and I drank some Sierra mist (this is in no way the same as sprite!) and some graham crackers. We were able to leave by 1030 I think it was. I can't remember exactly. I was sore to say the least. Bloated and sore! Oh yeah I almost forgot the exciting part they retrieved 19 eggs! My right ovary had to be pushed over because it wanted to hang out on my uterus so they said I would feel like I had been punched in the gut. They were right! I took Tylenol and rested for most the day. We went to a play that our nephew Dayton was in that evening (which was so good and funny). The next day I felt much better. They called with my fertilization report but not until nearly 2! Out of the 19 eggs 15 were mature. And 14 fertilized! What a huge number! Then Saturday they called and said everything was looking great and we would be doing a 5 day transfer so Monday was the day! They would call with our report on Monday but we had to go ahead and head up because we are a 2 hour drive. Oh and since my retrieval I had to do nightly shots of progesterone in oil. I was so scared after seeing some peoples posts but they weren't that bad! This is to help sustain a pregnancy because it wasn't a natural cycle so generally the body wouldn't produce it. 

Transfer Day February 24!

We hadn't much more then drop Delainee off and were headed out of Tarkio when my doctor called. She said they all had made it to day 5 and we had plenty of beautiful embryos to choose from so we were on! Now the only choice was 1 or 2 embryos. 2 of course! I could eat and had to drink to get my bladder full. We got there, checked in and then moved over to the hospital and waited for about an hour until it was time for transfer. So we (David got to go for this!) went to the operating from. Our babysitter (embryologist) came and checked my band like before and then on the table I went. This time I got to be awake. They started the ultrasound (I drank like 50 oz but must have been dehydrated because my bladder could have been fuller!) and my doctor did a test run with the catheter so she could put the embryos into the perfect spot. Then she said ready! The big tv screen turned on and there they were. Out embryos in the dish waiting to be put into the catheter and then into my uterus where they belonged. After she put them in (I was looking in the wrong spot on the screen but David saw they leave the catheter) they flush the catheter to make sure both came out and they had! Now I was to stay for another hour then home (laying down the seat) and bedrest for 24 hours. I had some pretty good company :) Here is a picture of 6 of our 14 embryos. 

Next is a picture of an embry cycle so you have something to compare to. 

As you can see 5 out of these 6 are at the day 5 stage. So now the wait is on! 8 days!

The results are in. 

So now we are all caught up to today March 4th. We drove up to Omaha, they drew my blood (first try) and we were on our way. The wait was on. They said a couple hours. We did some shopping then we were going to go to lunch but I couldn't even think of food! David grabbed something fast and we headed south. I kept looking at my phone. That wasn't making it ring so I set it down and was just listening to the radio and it started to ring. My heart skipped a beat. I was met with my doctors voice on the other end. Next thing I hear was "I just can't even believe this but I have bad news". My heart sank. My worst fear was happening. Why?! I listened to her as she said she was in complete shock because these were the most beautiful embryos she had seen in a long time. She said this happens sometimes, not often but it does happen. She said they all thought for sure I would be pregnant with twins and she never even considered it coming back negative. She said not to beat myself up too much and that this doesn't mean anything about the figure. We still have 8 beautiful embryos in the freezer and as soon as we are ready we can move forward. Cry and be sad but then we move on. She asked if I had any questions and honestly I didn't. And I couldn't ask them if I did because I was fighting back the tears. I broke down as soon as I hung up. We have tried so hard! For almost 4 years and here we are, still trying. I am certain I am not done crying but I am certain we will keep trying. It doesn't seem fair and I don't feel like I am being impatient but God has a plan. My heart hurts but I have a wonderful husband to hold me and wonderful family and friends to lean on. Prayers are still appreciated when you think about us and our journey. Someday I will have wonderful news to report I just know it! 

PS this is a long post and I have no desire to proofread so please excuse spelling and anything that doesn't flow :) 

Fertility Cycle #3

So as many of you know I am not patient, at all! This infertility is really not fitting into my plan. So we were going to wait until after the holidays for our next cycle. But I just couldn't wait! So we went back to the doctor on Dec 19 and started back to injections on Dec 21. This time she started me on 200 units of follistim. We went back on Dec 26 and I had follies growing but no front runners. My doctor said once again we should consider selective reduction because I may have several if we continue. I prayed and prayed about this and continued on with the cycle and we went back in 2 days on Saturday Dec. 28 and I had 3-4 mature big follies! The doctor said I needed to trigger right away so she gave me the shot right then. She said to come back the next morning for IUI! So our one night stay in a hotel turned into 2 which was more then fine with our 4 year old that loves staying in a hotel. So as I wrote this (January 8) I am in the 2ww (2 week wait). Last time I didn't dwell on it until 2 days before. I have 4 days and they are going so slow! I am praying at least one of those follies hatched into a beautiful egg that was fertilized! 

Well the day is here. And I knew for a few days what the result was going to be but today was the official day. BFN (big fat negative)! I cried yesterday so hopefully today will be a better day. I am sure I will cry some but hopefully not a lot. I ask myself why me? Why do I have to go through all of this? The heartaches when I get a negative. The broken heart when I look into my daughters eyes when she talks about when we have a brother or sister. The broken heart I have when I feel like I am letting everyone down, including my husband, that would love another child, grandchild, niece or nephew. And the heartache I feel thinking about Delainee's future not having a sibling. It is almost more then I can handle. Then I get a message from someone else with PCOS or infertility of some sort and that reminds me why me. Me because I am determined to get the word out. Me because if I can give hope or educate one person I am better off then when this all started. Me because I am stronger then I give myself credit for. What is our next step now? I will find out in the next few days but it is looking more and more like IVF and frankly I think I am ready. It is way more painful financially but has a higher success rate. And more control. So there would be no worry about over producing. The more I produce the better! I wish insurance covered IVF or even a portion of it! I don't know why people can have child after child living off the state but a person that pays to have insurance can't have coverage for a child they can afford! But that is just another subject that could keep me going for a long time! 

That is all for now. Prayers are appreciated! 

2013 Year in Review

January we started the year off at the most magical place on earth, Disney World. We watched the fireworks at Magic Kingdom where we were surrounded by fireworks from all of the parks. It was absolutely magical, and insane! I highly recommend you do not go to Disney World at this time unless you like it crazy! I also highly recommend staying at a Disney resort and taking their shuttles. Total life saver and probably a marriage saver if you go during a crazy busy time like we did! We did have a great time of meeting princesses and seeing a show though. Next time we go, and there will be a next time, we will try to go during a less busy time.

March I went to and Endocrinologist and had blood work (not on the 3rd day like it is suppose to be done) and was diagnosed with nothing. No thyroid problems and no PCOS. I was referred on to Dr. Maud Dorherty who is a Fertility Endocrinologist. I called and made our appointment for 16 weeks from that day! So crazy she has such a wait!

March Delainee also turned 4 (This is the most important thing that happened in March just going in order). We had a birthday party for her with some of our family, her friends and some of our friends. It was a great time. She got way more then she needed and we ate way more cake then we needed! She also got tickets to Taylor Swift for her birthday! We had a great time at the concert with my sister in law and Delainee's cousin. The girls loved it and I did too. If you haven't seen Taylor Swift perform you should she puts on a wonderful show.

May I turned 28. Depressing every birthday I have that we don't have another baby.

July 3rd we had our consultation with Dr. Dorherty. She diagnosed me right away with PCOS and gave us our plan after medical history and talking to us. We were very impressed with her. She is straight forward but is willing to answer questions.

September we celebrated our 6th anniversary. Crazy to think how fast time has gone. We also started our first fertility cycle. And we also had to stop our first fertility cycle with over production. Very depressing to have to give up on a cycle, our first cycle at that.

October was Halloween, Delainee dressed up as Rapunzel for Halloween and we went to our farm neighbors then headed over to Charlie and Millie Hurst's for soup. Delainee absolutely loves Millie so we spend most of our evening there and then ventured on to town to about 4 houses. Luckily we meet up with Grandma White who had a big bag of candy for Delainee so that took up a lot of space in her bag and once we got home we put that together with Grandma Thompson's and well we still have Halloween candy! She isn't huge on candy which is great!

November we did our second cycle and first IUI, which resulted in a negative pregnancy test :( We decided then we would wait until after the holidays. We had Thanksgiving with my dad's family and also my mom's family. And my wonderful husbands birthday just happen to be Thanksgiving this year so I surprised him with a cake. So once again we ate way too much cake before putting the rest in the freezer!

December we had Delainee's school program, finished up dance until January, and Christmas'. First we had Christmas with my family, then David's family, then just us and finally my moms family came to our house. In my last post I said I would put pictures of my trees up so here you go :)

So after thinking about the last year and I have been thinking anyway there are a few things I would like to do in 2014. I am praying we are able to become pregnant in 2014 if not have a baby in 2014. I want to continue to show Delainee how to be a good person, have manners and that things are things. That being said for her birthday this year I am asking family to not buy her a gift. Keep reading :) I got the idea from a blog and I wish I knew which one because I would give credit but I want family to buy an experience rather then a gift. It can be going to a movie, getting a pedicure, going to the zoo, the list goes on and on but nothing that is going to get lost in her mountain of toys. I want this to happen in the month of March so that she gets to celebrate her birthday all month long. We won't do a family birthday party this year just friends. Family can celebrate her birthday with her when they take her for her special day. How awesome would it be to have 6 days celebrating your birthday with family? That would be what she would get if everyone chooses to participate. No matter what I am requesting no gifts from family so I hope everyone finds some time for her. After all she is what it is about not a gift. I am hoping we can do the same with nieces and nephews. Last year we took our youngest niece to the circus with us and I think she had a good time. That to me is way more meaningful then a gift or $. 

So here is to a wonderful 2014! To my PCOS systers and those with infertility baby dust to us all!