It was all taken away

22 days ago so many things were taken from me. First my son, William Lawrence White. I didn't when have the chance to say hello before saying goodbye. His first smile. His first laugh. Pulling his sister's hair. Discovering his hands and feet.  Rolling all over the house. Crawling. Walking. Running. Riding in the combine with his dad. Wearing overalls and John Deere boots. Would he has his daddy's chin like Delainee does? Would he have my curly hair? What color would his hair be? Would he have his dad's beautiful blue eyes? Would he be a mamma's boy? I can just see him fishing with daddy. Playing tractors in a corn pile and making mud pies. His first day of preschool, would he be scared or not even have time to give me a kiss goodbye? There is a life time of things that were taken from us. We will never know what his first word would have been or what his voice would sound like. I did get the opportunity to feel him move and I will forever cherish that and the ultrasounds where we got to hear and see his heart beating. He was so alive and so perfect. And now he is gone. He is in the most beautiful place but I still miss him. Delainee says our babies make the stars shine in the sky. I miss both of our babies so much. Losing his sibling was hard but we still had hope. I always knew at every milestone I would think of his twin and wish there were 2 milestones. Never in my worst nightmares did I think there wouldn't be a milestone at all. At every appointment I would get nervous until I saw his heart beating but never was prepared for if it wasn't. I remember watching the ultrasound and thought usually they take a look and then go back to the heart and show us the flicker. This was different. I didn't see the flicker and the ultrasound tech was quiet. But she was new to us so until she confirmed my worst fears I just held on to hope. Held on to the fact that we would maybe find out the gender that day. Then I could start planning. But instead that was taken from us, he was taken from us. I will never have a normal pregnancy again. Sure it may look like it to family and friends and strangers I meet in the elevator but it will never be normal. I will have fears that no mother should have. And it won't be fears because it happened to someone else. No it will be because it happened to me. I had a normal pregnancy and a healthy baby and now I am empty. I didn't lose my baby because it was would spare heartache later. I lost my baby for no known reason. So how could I go through a pregnancy like it is a normal healthy pregnancy? My normal healthy pregnancy and baby ended at 16 weeks without warning. My body didn't signal a problem, it just happened. That day I also lost any innocence that I could have possibly had left.