Where has the time gone?

I can't believe it has been so long since I have written. So much has changed in that year! Last fall I started working at our school in the preschool as a para. Love my time with the kiddos so much and the flexibility of having the same schedule as Delainee. I had surgery last August, I think, to remove a polyp from my uterus. This was the first time I had been back to my RE since our last cycle and miscarriage over a year before. So of course this brought back the should we, could we? So we decided to do a cycle. I did not want it to interfere with work so we planned it for over Christmas break. Sadly the cycle started off on a bad note and after starting progress it stopped and I was told it was over in January. I took a half day off of school, went up and did blood work, came home and got the call and had to go to work. Could I have called and told them I needed the rest of the day? Yeah but I figured it would help, and it did. To do even a frozen cycle it costs us over $4000 so we knew that was it for us. We can't just keep dumping money into the infertility cycles. April rolls around and I hadn't been feeling well. After my loss in January I started using an oil blend I made. Well for the first time in almost 7 years of trying I got pregnant, on my own! Holy Moly! I called my doctor and I am sure made no sense because I was so confused. Like how does this happen?! We went in and I was 6 weeks and we saw a tiny little flicker. It was such a welcome sight! We went back at 7 weeks and were able to hear the heartbeat and it was beating so strong! 9 weeks the same! My morning sickness started to let up around 10 weeks so I consulted Dr. Google and it seemed like that happens to some people. I was scared but reassured that it was normal. We went to the doctor the day after school got out and the ultrasound started and David said "aww look little arms and legs" but it was silent. I looked and looked "where is the flicker? I don't see the flicker!" I am sorry Melissa I am looking. How is this even possible?! I broke down and didn't know if I would keep breathing but somehow I did. Next the ultrasound tech looked after the doctor couldn't find it and she couldn't find it either. Our baby was gone. We did things different this cycle. We did blood thinner in case that was what was causing me to miscarry and still at 10 weeks our baby died. I had surgery the next day and mourned the loss of our baby and what would be. We bought a camper and decided to spend more time being intentional. We even camped for a week while Delainee had national dance competition. I have been gearing up for school to start since August has hit. Started to have sinus drainage and I instantly thought I am pregnant. Who seriously gets that and thinks that? I waited a few days and bought some tests. Sure enough! Pregnant! Twice on my own this year. I called my RE and went in Tuesday morning for blood work and Wednesday for and ultrasound. Too early for a heartbeat but we were pregnant! Were pregnant. Just a few days did we get to dream. Yesterday (Saturday) I miscarried. This time was different. I usually have a missed miscarriage but this was the "real deal". I called my doctor and was told to lay low yesterday and see if it would stop but it didn't. I went today to have my beta checked and sure enough it is lower than it was Tuesday. Our baby is gone before we even had a chance to get to know it. To barely dream. Three times this year we have been shattered. And three times we will pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off and truck forward. Does it get easier? No. Is it different now? Sadly yes. This is our 6th miscarriage and 7th angel waiting for us in Heaven. Oh what a joyful homecoming that is going to be! All my babies meeting me as I join them in heaven! I can only image! And that is why I will end this post with this video. This has been played at some of the memorial services we have attended for our babies.

Two years

It is so hard to believe. 2 years, 731 days, 17,544 hours and many many minutes without you with me. If my pregnancy would have continued you would be 18 months old. Walking, talking and learning so much from your sister. She misses you so much. She would truly be the best sister to you. She talks about the things she would teach you and how she would play with you. You would be so fun at the pool this year! I certainly would spend more time in the water chasing you. And this fall I can just imagine how adorable you would be in your little overalls riding with daddy in the combine! Oh sweet boy I miss you so much! Not a day goes by that you aren't on my mind. Today we did what we do on birthdays. We had chocolate chip pancakes. 

And we each sent you a balloon. 

And then we decided to go see Finding Dory with your sister. It was a very cute movie! After we went to Target and Delainee picked out a heart locket. She has wanted a locket to put your picture in for the past 2 years and we finally saw one she just couldn't live without. I am going to work on printing a picture small enough tonight to put in it for her. She talked about how cool it would be to open it and have a camera to you in heaven. I so wish we could spend just one day with you. This morning when I turned on music while making breakfast this is the song that came on first. So fitting for today, and every day. 

And since I didn't get a cake we all got ice cream tonight! I got a cotton candy blizzard. The next best thing to birthday cake! 

On our way home we stopped and picked up some lanterns. Unfortunently there was a slight breeze so not ideal for lanterns. But daddy got one to go up! We could see it for so long! 

I am sure you had the best angelversary in Heaven! I wish you were here. Jesus, hug him once for me. Tell him that you love him and that we love him too. I love you William Lawrence! ❤️❤️

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=IBHEJtqKjkk

One year later

It is hard to believe it has been a year since I lost my last little miracle. My ray of hope after so much heartache. Everything just had to work that time and here I am again on an anniversary of a loss. I still remember the little room we waited in. David being angry and never wanting to be at that hospital again. The paperwork, warm air blanket, the cold operating room and the tears flowing uncontrolled as I came out of anesthesia. Another long car ride home and I couldn't wait to get Delainee. I have grown a lot in this past year. Closer to some people and farther from others. A year ago I wouldn't have pictured my life to be on this path. A year and 2 days ago I would have pictures sleepless nights, diapers and bottles. Today I am stronger. We may always be a family of 3 on earth but we are certainly going to have a good time doing it. This isn't the life I would have picked but it is mine! Every minute I need to remind myself that we will make it because we have each other. My heart will always break thinking of what Delainee is missing but I must push on or we can't live the life we deserve. I love you my sweet angels and one glorious day I will hold you in my arms, not just my heart. 

The night before

Last year at this time I was nervously awaiting our last transfer. Praying for that child(ren) and thinking of who it/they would become. Never would I have dreamed my arms would be empty of those dreams. Never would I have imagined that I wouldn't have a plan that involved a baby. But that is the reality. That has been our reality for 6 years now. Delainee our only child and she will our only child. We have children in heaven that we will see one day but on earth she won't have that relationship that so many of us take for granted. Unless you have lived that life, unless your heart is as big as hers, unless you pray every night for a brother then you will never come close to understanding that infertility and pregnancy loss have a huge impact on the whole family. I reflect on who had been there for me and who still is through all of this. I am so thankful! Without God, David and Delainee I truly don't know how I would have gotten through the last 6 year. As I approach another birthday next month so many feelings are going to come over me. I am going to do my best to remain thankful! 

A Dry Eye Holiday (Christmas 2015 that just now posted)

Well I made it! I made it through Christmas with dry eyes! Christmas marked a year since I miscarried my 3rd ever pregnancy. Christmas marked 18 months since William was born into heaven. And I made it through without tears. I wasn't sure if I would because opening gifts I got a little teary eyed so I thought that wasn't a good start to the day. But we had a wonderful Christmas. Lots of yummy food, naps and movies. Delainee was even so kind to help me find the living room again after presents and life has taken over! I was reminded yesterday that I wasn't meant to just have a family of 3 because I love cooking and we will have leftovers until we are sick of them. But at least we are able to have those leftovers when some are not as fortunate. Here are our breakfast casseroles: 

The cinnamon roll French toast casserole was amazing! And so was the hashbrown casserole for that matter! Delainee didn't want the hashbrown one and I don't think ended up liking the cinnamon roll one like she expected. Before I let her get up I made her try s bite of my hashbrown one. She loved it. In fact she had that for supper! 

Here is our lunch spread:

Two words SO YUMMY! 

Delainee got her first BB gun yesterday! And we all went out and froze so she could give it a try! After having a meltdown because she couldn't pull the trigger (she wasn't even on it) she did great! She shot twice and hit both times! 

Overall it was a great day and I am so thankful! 

2015 Year in Review

The last few hours of 2015 are here. Another year I am good with saying goodbye to! We went into 2015 knowing we would do a fresh IVF cycle again. We did not know that it would result in another loss. Another loss of a perfect baby. A baby that would likely be here right now! Our year would have looked so much different if our baby didn't die at just 8 weeks gestation. I saw that sweet heartbeat at 6 weeks and at 8 it was gone! I turned 30 the day before we found out. I have to say 30 didn't start how anyone would want it to! I got to go to Texas and meet the one who has been there through it all! She has cried for me and shared more than most! It was like going home for me. Not weird that we had never meet in person at all. I wasn't even nervous! And anyone that knows me knows knows I am shy at first and don't take a lot of risk! I went to the swimming pool! Like enough to pay for a pool pass! Insane! I wouldn't have if I didn't have my friend Jen pushing me because she was going! Me in a swim suit in public! Huge step! Delainee LOVED it! I became an Aunt again! I love her sooooooo much! I lost weight and gained most back 😳. I also joined an amazing Young Living team! Love love love oils and so does my family! Delainee has her own joy by her bed and got a kid scent diffuser for Christmas! I look forward to bettering our health even more in 2016! Goodbye 2015! It is a year that I will never forget and be glad I never have to relive. So 2016 my plans are to get healthier, learn even more about Young Living oils and their benefits for my health and to love my family deeper! 2016 you are going to be a year I want to go on forever!  

The Holiday Season

As I sit here listing to Christmas music and thinking back on the joy I used to have it makes me sad. Now when I think about the holiday season I think about doctor appointments. Literally when I try to think of smells of the season I think of my doctors office. I don't think of cinnamon, pine and all things spice. I think of sterile rooms, the warmth of a running ultrasound machine, cold instruments of a transfer and the joy that brought me. That is missing this holiday season and along with that is all joy I normally have. Looking at my day in history on Facebook today I saw how 2 years ago I had 9 trees decorated. 9! We have one this year and I put it up and put the light on it and a few things at the top but Delainee decorated it. That would not have happened before. I have always been so particular about my trees. In a way it is good because I let her have that joy and pride but I miss it. And I don't think it will ever be the same. I haven't even done any Christmas shopping yet! I feel like something is missing and it goes beyond my babies. I am missing that schedule of transfers, ultrasounds and blood draws. That was my normal for 2 holiday seasons and now it is gone. No baby when I should have a one year old (olds) no baby when I should have a 3 month old. No baby when I should have a hurting back from carrying around a big pregnant belly. I love David and Delainee with more of me than I thought ever possible but there will always be a place in my heart that will always be missing. Our William would be one next week if he would have lived. He would be possibly starting to walk, eating manly the foods we do and drinking milk. And he would get to enjoy his first Christmas cookie and leave cookies with his sister for Santa. And he would be on our Christmas card. He would get to open birthday presents and Christmas presents all in the same month! And I would love every minute of him having a birthday close to Christmas because that would mean he is alive! Alive in my arms, preventing me from blogging because he would be into the tree right now. Trying to eat ornaments, or even the cat food! I miss him, I miss them, I miss me.