It just hits me

Sometimes it just hits me. Much like a ton of bricks. I lost my babies, both of them. I can be sitting down watching tv and my heart breaks all over again, out of nowhere. They are gone. I will never hear their cries and kiss their sweet lips. I will miss you for always my babies. There will always be a huge piece of my heart that left when you did. It has been over a month since I delivered William and I just still can't wrap my head around it. I miss the movements and the sound of his heart. I should be 21 weeks pregnant. Instead I am days away from being 5 weeks post delivery and my womb and arms are empty. Hugs and kisses by Jesus from me babies!

Thank you so much mom and dad for this beautiful necklace. 

It was all taken away

22 days ago so many things were taken from me. First my son, William Lawrence White. I didn't when have the chance to say hello before saying goodbye. His first smile. His first laugh. Pulling his sister's hair. Discovering his hands and feet.  Rolling all over the house. Crawling. Walking. Running. Riding in the combine with his dad. Wearing overalls and John Deere boots. Would he has his daddy's chin like Delainee does? Would he have my curly hair? What color would his hair be? Would he have his dad's beautiful blue eyes? Would he be a mamma's boy? I can just see him fishing with daddy. Playing tractors in a corn pile and making mud pies. His first day of preschool, would he be scared or not even have time to give me a kiss goodbye? There is a life time of things that were taken from us. We will never know what his first word would have been or what his voice would sound like. I did get the opportunity to feel him move and I will forever cherish that and the ultrasounds where we got to hear and see his heart beating. He was so alive and so perfect. And now he is gone. He is in the most beautiful place but I still miss him. Delainee says our babies make the stars shine in the sky. I miss both of our babies so much. Losing his sibling was hard but we still had hope. I always knew at every milestone I would think of his twin and wish there were 2 milestones. Never in my worst nightmares did I think there wouldn't be a milestone at all. At every appointment I would get nervous until I saw his heart beating but never was prepared for if it wasn't. I remember watching the ultrasound and thought usually they take a look and then go back to the heart and show us the flicker. This was different. I didn't see the flicker and the ultrasound tech was quiet. But she was new to us so until she confirmed my worst fears I just held on to hope. Held on to the fact that we would maybe find out the gender that day. Then I could start planning. But instead that was taken from us, he was taken from us. I will never have a normal pregnancy again. Sure it may look like it to family and friends and strangers I meet in the elevator but it will never be normal. I will have fears that no mother should have. And it won't be fears because it happened to someone else. No it will be because it happened to me. I had a normal pregnancy and a healthy baby and now I am empty. I didn't lose my baby because it was would spare heartache later. I lost my baby for no known reason. So how could I go through a pregnancy like it is a normal healthy pregnancy? My normal healthy pregnancy and baby ended at 16 weeks without warning. My body didn't signal a problem, it just happened. That day I also lost any innocence that I could have possibly had left. 

Too Beautiful for Earth

The last 2 weeks and 2 days have slipped away fast and at the same time it has been the longest of my life. It has for sure been the hardest thing I have ever been though. No parent should even have to hear the words "I am sorry there is no heartbeat". My world shattered. The air was taken from my lungs. I was on complete overload. How could this happen? We had seen our baby 4 times before and it was perfect. We did an ultrasound screening for Down syndrome, Trisomy 13 and Trisomy 18 and everything came back normal. That was the last time we got to see our baby's heart beating. You get through the first trimester and it is suppose to be a breath of relief that you made it to the other side! The side of less risk! A first trimester miscarriage happens 10-15% of the time but as much as 50% because some could be so early women just thought they had a late period. A second trimester loss up to 20 weeks is 1-5% and over 20 weeks .3%. Our baby was 16 weeks. Until 20 weeks a loss is called a miscarriage. I don't like that word because it is like people that haven't been there consider a miscarriage like it shouldn't be a big deal. I lost my baby. I could feel my baby move and see the heart beating. That is a baby. This is our last ultrasound picture. 

Does that look like a baby? Yes! 

We delivered our baby at Methodist Women's Hospital. They were amazing. Our day labor and delivery nurses were absolutely wonderful. They gave us so much information and were always asking what they could do for us. After I delivered the baby I lost a lot of blood. They were getting the OR team ready when I finally delivered the placenta. Unfortunately I did not deliver it in tact and a piece was left behind so I still had to have a D&C done. I have been on iron since coming home because my hemoglobin had went from 13 to 10 from all of the blood loss. I have recovered very well physically and never felt like I couldn't take on the world but was on restrictions for the first 2 weeks because I did have surgery. 

Wednesday we went to the doctor hoping they would have some answers but knew it was possible they wouldn't know yet. We found out that our baby was a beautiful baby boy. William Lawrence was delivered into heaven on June 25 at 6:57 pm. I did not see our baby boy but David did and he said he was beautiful. He had some abnormalities but we found out that was normal because he had passed a few days before I was induced. So it was just swelling and fluid retention. He will always be beautiful in my mind. William is named after 2 wonderful men. William is my late grandpa's middle name and Lawrence is David's late grandpa's name. Our baby boy is in heaven with these wonderful men now. We also found out that William was perfect and had no chromosome disorders, not even a fraction of a disorder. I had a competent cervix (which is why I had to be induced) and the placenta was perfect with only a little inflammation. The doctor believes that inflammation was from the twin we found out we lost at 9 weeks. There was no reason for our loss. Our baby boy was very capable of life. It could be that he passed because we lost the twin but so many pregnancies start as twins and end with one healthy baby. So basically he was too beautiful for earth. 

I will never know the answers to why us or why him but once I am holding my babies in heaven I won't even care about those answers. I have to trust God through this. He is hurting right along with us. He gets the wonderful job of keeping my babies safe until I am with them one day. Were these the answers I was hoping for? Honestly no. I don't know if any answer would have given me relief though. I would still have the why's. I do have more peace knowing I didn't do anything wrong. The doctor said there is absolutely nothing we can do differently next time. He also said there is no reason we can't transfer 2 embryos again. There is no higher risk for me then anyone else for having a loss like this again. We aren't transferring 2 embryos in hopes for twins. We have transferred 2 in hopes of a healthy baby in our arms. I won't have a normal pregnancy again. I will be scared, even more then I already was. I will be worried our baby's heart will stop. I won't quit worrying until my baby is born, healthy and in my arms. And then I will have a whole new set of worries. We do have plans on trying again. We will be keeping our journey ours. When we want to share news we will but only in our time. 

This has been a very personal struggle that I am sharing in hopes that I will help even one women to feel like she is not alone. I have meet some wonderful women along the way that will forever change my life, all because I shared my story. A huge thank you to two wonderful women I have meet, Brie and Amy M, without these two I don't know what I would do! Also a huge thank you to everyone that has made us meals, delivered meals over and over (Amy H and Sam), sent cards and the well wishes and prayers. They have all meant so much to us. 

I am leaving with some pictures I have seen that reflect how I feel right now. Sorry there are several. God bless!