Saturday, June 25, 2016

Two years


It is so hard to believe. 2 years, 731 days, 17,544 hours and many many minutes without you with me. If my pregnancy would have continued you would be 18 months old. Walking, talking and learning so much from your sister. She misses you so much. She would truly be the best sister to you. She talks about the things she would teach you and how she would play with you. You would be so fun at the pool this year! I certainly would spend more time in the water chasing you. And this fall I can just imagine how adorable you would be in your little overalls riding with daddy in the combine! Oh sweet boy I miss you so much! Not a day goes by that you aren't on my mind. Today we did what we do on birthdays. We had chocolate chip pancakes. 
And we each sent you a balloon. 
And then we decided to go see Finding Dory with your sister. It was a very cute movie! After we went to Target and Delainee picked out a heart locket. She has wanted a locket to put your picture in for the past 2 years and we finally saw one she just couldn't live without. I am going to work on printing a picture small enough tonight to put in it for her. She talked about how cool it would be to open it and have a camera to you in heaven. I so wish we could spend just one day with you. This morning when I turned on music while making breakfast this is the song that came on first. So fitting for today, and every day. 
And since I didn't get a cake we all got ice cream tonight! I got a cotton candy blizzard. The next best thing to birthday cake! 
On our way home we stopped and picked up some lanterns. Unfortunently there was a slight breeze so not ideal for lanterns. But daddy got one to go up! We could see it for so long! 
I am sure you had the best angelversary in Heaven! I wish you were here. Jesus, hug him once for me. Tell him that you love him and that we love him too. I love you William Lawrence! ❤️❤️

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=IBHEJtqKjkk







Saturday, May 28, 2016

One year later

It is hard to believe it has been a year since I lost my last little miracle. My ray of hope after so much heartache. Everything just had to work that time and here I am again on an anniversary of a loss. I still remember the little room we waited in. David being angry and never wanting to be at that hospital again. The paperwork, warm air blanket, the cold operating room and the tears flowing uncontrolled as I came out of anesthesia. Another long car ride home and I couldn't wait to get Delainee. I have grown a lot in this past year. Closer to some people and farther from others. A year ago I wouldn't have pictured my life to be on this path. A year and 2 days ago I would have pictures sleepless nights, diapers and bottles. Today I am stronger. We may always be a family of 3 on earth but we are certainly going to have a good time doing it. This isn't the life I would have picked but it is mine! Every minute I need to remind myself that we will make it because we have each other. My heart will always break thinking of what Delainee is missing but I must push on or we can't live the life we deserve. I love you my sweet angels and one glorious day I will hold you in my arms, not just my heart. 


Tuesday, April 19, 2016

The night before

Last year at this time I was nervously awaiting our last transfer. Praying for that child(ren) and thinking of who it/they would become. Never would I have dreamed my arms would be empty of those dreams. Never would I have imagined that I wouldn't have a plan that involved a baby. But that is the reality. That has been our reality for 6 years now. Delainee our only child and she will our only child. We have children in heaven that we will see one day but on earth she won't have that relationship that so many of us take for granted. Unless you have lived that life, unless your heart is as big as hers, unless you pray every night for a brother then you will never come close to understanding that infertility and pregnancy loss have a huge impact on the whole family. I reflect on who had been there for me and who still is through all of this. I am so thankful! Without God, David and Delainee I truly don't know how I would have gotten through the last 6 year. As I approach another birthday next month so many feelings are going to come over me. I am going to do my best to remain thankful! 

A Dry Eye Holiday (Christmas 2015 that just now posted)

Well I made it! I made it through Christmas with dry eyes! Christmas marked a year since I miscarried my 3rd ever pregnancy. Christmas marked 18 months since William was born into heaven. And I made it through without tears. I wasn't sure if I would because opening gifts I got a little teary eyed so I thought that wasn't a good start to the day. But we had a wonderful Christmas. Lots of yummy food, naps and movies. Delainee was even so kind to help me find the living room again after presents and life has taken over! I was reminded yesterday that I wasn't meant to just have a family of 3 because I love cooking and we will have leftovers until we are sick of them. But at least we are able to have those leftovers when some are not as fortunate. Here are our breakfast casseroles: 
The cinnamon roll French toast casserole was amazing! And so was the hashbrown casserole for that matter! Delainee didn't want the hashbrown one and I don't think ended up liking the cinnamon roll one like she expected. Before I let her get up I made her try s bite of my hashbrown one. She loved it. In fact she had that for supper! 

Here is our lunch spread:
Two words SO YUMMY! 

Delainee got her first BB gun yesterday! And we all went out and froze so she could give it a try! After having a meltdown because she couldn't pull the trigger (she wasn't even on it) she did great! She shot twice and hit both times! 

Overall it was a great day and I am so thankful!