2015 Year in Review

The last few hours of 2015 are here. Another year I am good with saying goodbye to! We went into 2015 knowing we would do a fresh IVF cycle again. We did not know that it would result in another loss. Another loss of a perfect baby. A baby that would likely be here right now! Our year would have looked so much different if our baby didn't die at just 8 weeks gestation. I saw that sweet heartbeat at 6 weeks and at 8 it was gone! I turned 30 the day before we found out. I have to say 30 didn't start how anyone would want it to! I got to go to Texas and meet the one who has been there through it all! She has cried for me and shared more than most! It was like going home for me. Not weird that we had never meet in person at all. I wasn't even nervous! And anyone that knows me knows knows I am shy at first and don't take a lot of risk! I went to the swimming pool! Like enough to pay for a pool pass! Insane! I wouldn't have if I didn't have my friend Jen pushing me because she was going! Me in a swim suit in public! Huge step! Delainee LOVED it! I became an Aunt again! I love her sooooooo much! I lost weight and gained most back 😳. I also joined an amazing Young Living team! Love love love oils and so does my family! Delainee has her own joy by her bed and got a kid scent diffuser for Christmas! I look forward to bettering our health even more in 2016! Goodbye 2015! It is a year that I will never forget and be glad I never have to relive. So 2016 my plans are to get healthier, learn even more about Young Living oils and their benefits for my health and to love my family deeper! 2016 you are going to be a year I want to go on forever!  

The Holiday Season

As I sit here listing to Christmas music and thinking back on the joy I used to have it makes me sad. Now when I think about the holiday season I think about doctor appointments. Literally when I try to think of smells of the season I think of my doctors office. I don't think of cinnamon, pine and all things spice. I think of sterile rooms, the warmth of a running ultrasound machine, cold instruments of a transfer and the joy that brought me. That is missing this holiday season and along with that is all joy I normally have. Looking at my day in history on Facebook today I saw how 2 years ago I had 9 trees decorated. 9! We have one this year and I put it up and put the light on it and a few things at the top but Delainee decorated it. That would not have happened before. I have always been so particular about my trees. In a way it is good because I let her have that joy and pride but I miss it. And I don't think it will ever be the same. I haven't even done any Christmas shopping yet! I feel like something is missing and it goes beyond my babies. I am missing that schedule of transfers, ultrasounds and blood draws. That was my normal for 2 holiday seasons and now it is gone. No baby when I should have a one year old (olds) no baby when I should have a 3 month old. No baby when I should have a hurting back from carrying around a big pregnant belly. I love David and Delainee with more of me than I thought ever possible but there will always be a place in my heart that will always be missing. Our William would be one next week if he would have lived. He would be possibly starting to walk, eating manly the foods we do and drinking milk. And he would get to enjoy his first Christmas cookie and leave cookies with his sister for Santa. And he would be on our Christmas card. He would get to open birthday presents and Christmas presents all in the same month! And I would love every minute of him having a birthday close to Christmas because that would mean he is alive! Alive in my arms, preventing me from blogging because he would be into the tree right now. Trying to eat ornaments, or even the cat food! I miss him, I miss them, I miss me.