Three months

I can't believe today at this time 3 months ago I was being brought to my hospital room from recovery. I delivered my baby boy into heaven and then was whisked away to emergent surgery to remove retained placent. I had such a peace come over me that night. I knew that my baby was in heaven and for a brief moment I was ok with that. I think it must have been the drugs they used to put me under. I don't remember dreaming but maybe I had a look into heaven and knew how well he would be looked after until I can join him. I really don't know what made me feel that way but I had a moment of peace. That moment was gone the next day. It all set in and I was taken to my car with no baby. I left the hospital with a memory box. Not a baby. My husband didn't get to put a Carseat in and check it 100 times to make sure it was in good. He didn't get to stuff a bunch of It's a Boy balloons into the car. We got a box. I am so grateful for that box but I would much rather have my baby. I can't believe it has been three months. A lady on one of my FET groups had her twins at 29w3d. We were on the exact same cycle. She has babies that are fighting and doing amazing and I have angel's. I am so thankful her girls are doing so good! I am sad for myself. So many mixed emotions. I think of the future and I am scared. What if it happens again. I never thought I would survive baby loss and I have. But I really don't think I could survive it again. Not completely. I pray that when the time is right that God keeps my baby(s) safe. That we will bring our rainbow home and Delainee will get to be the big sister she deserves to be. She loves her brother so much. She is truly a blessing. Methodist Women's Hospital had a day of remembrance this past Sunday and the three of us attended. It was very emotional. Way more so then I was prepared for. Here are some pictures I took. 

Cleaning out my should be nursery

Back in June we started the transition to Delainee's you room being downstairs in our finished basement so that we could have that room for our nursery. I has a schedule of when I wanted to be done and I was hitting all of my goals. I order a stand for the mattress set so that it can be a "guest room" also if someone stays. I ordered a new comforter and sheets. I was sorting things had a had a goal of having it all moved down by the end of June. David was moving the big stuff and I would move the smaller things. We were suppose to go to our appointment. We were hopefully going to find out what we were having. Would it be a rustic boys nursery or a pastel vintage girl nursery. Would I want to use Delainee's old crib or would we just get a whole new set? That is how it was suppose to be. That is what was suppose to happen. I wasn't suppose to finish moving her things in September to only have a empty room that has her old baby toys in the closet. I should be picking wall colors for my baby boys nursery. I should be looking a 100's of crib sets and trying to decide if I even want to have one or just sheets and a bumper pad. Who uses the quilt anyway? I had considered making the bumper pad myself. So many people think they are dangerous but we had one with Delainee. Instead I have a room that has the last of the things I went through that I am hoping to rehome because Delainee no longer needs them. Then it will just be empty. No new life being put into it. I don't get to do any of those things that I was suppose to be doing. My first baby boy will never be in my arms. He will never sleep in a crib. He will never get to be held by his big sister. She was so excited to be a big sister. She talks about William all the time. She wishes he could come back from heaven. She took ultrasound pictures to school for her about me bag. She told her class that her baby brother died and is in heaven. They asked her why and she told them she didn't know. I told her I didn't know either. She prays that she wishes he could come back and that she wants to have us forever and please don't let her parents die. It breaks my heart. She is 5 but she is hurting. She wants to wear her I'm a big sister shirt to school. I just can't let her. Not now. Maybe not ever. I don't want to send mixed messages to anyone. I know she is a big sister, she knows that she is a big sister but not everyone will understand that. Being a big sister to an Angel is so hard. Being a mother to an Angel is even harder. Christmas Day will be 6 months since I delivered my baby boy into heaven. And when I say delivered I mean delivered. I think people may be confused because at 16 weeks it is considered a miscarriage. I personally hate that word. I was induced because my baby didn't have a heartbeat. I labored and delivered my William at 6:57 pm. I then had to have surgery because my body didn't want to let go of his placenta. It still had 24 more months to nourish him. Little did I know even after an emergency D&C I would still have retained placenta. I had another surgery 3 weeks ago to remove the rest as well as scar tissue. 2 different surgeries (histeroscopy for the second) to remove the remainder of my pregnancy. I feel physically "normal" now I guess. I honestly am not sure what normal feels like but I think this is it. Most days I want to just take David and Delainee and run. Run far away and never look back. I am scared of the furture. I know that when David and I decide the time is right and we proceed with another FET that I will be so scared. I don't even think I can wrap my head around just how bad it will be. With the twins I was scared. And I lost baby White and my heart cracked. I had William to focus on. I always had the what if. You know preparing myself for the worst. Little did I know I wasn't prepared at all. I couldn't have possibly been prepared. I knew people who had been through it but I went into fertility treatments with the feeling that if I could get pregnant I would stay pregnant. I could really slap myself for that. Now I know, I know what the dark side looks like. I know the feeling of why hasn't the tech shown up the heartbeat, why don't I see the flicker. I know the sound of being told how sorry people are. The emptiness when we knew there was no heartbeat but the doctor checking for himself and stopping over my son's heart and it being a flat line. No sound. The only sound would have been my heart breaking. Unless you have lived it and I pray many have not then you just really don't fully understand. I know I thought I did. My heart hurt for another local couple that learned of their baby passing. I tried to imagine how devastated I would be. Turns out I couldn't imagine just how bad it would hurt. I with be thankful when we have another pregnancy. Oh so thankful. But I will be scared to death. So if you are reading this and in the furture you congratulate me and I look scared, it is because I will be. If you didn't even know I was pregnant it isn't because I am not happy to be pregnant, I will be scared and holding my breath until I hold my baby. And please don't ask when we plan to try again. The be honest it isn't anyone's business unless we tell them. We can't replace William and his twin. A new baby won't fill that void. Life will never be the same but it is the new normal.