Reality Sucks

I thought infertility was going to be the hardest thing I would deal with. Once I got pregnant that I would carry my baby with no problems, just like I did with Delainee. 3 times my body has proven me wrong. 3 times! We did everything right. After our second loss I had panels run to check for blood clotting disorders. We did testing on our chromosomes and we did testing on embryos. Even still I became pregnant after we transferred 2 perfect embryos. One implanted and at 6 weeks had a heartbeat. The anxiety was always there. What if's. We went for our 8 week ultrasound and I knew before being told there was no heartbeat. And just like with William it just had happened. The baby measures perfect just no heartbeat. How does this keep happening to us? Why does it? We will likely never know those answers. It is amazing that Delainee is here. It is amazing my body didn't let her down. I don't know how to wrap my head around everything that has happened in the last year. I am just tired, so tired. And I have to learn to live for David and Delainee and stop living on the hope of giving them a son/daughter or brother/sister. Reality sucks and I hate it. I want my babies back. I want to be able to protect them, that is my job.

When enough is enough.

When do you call it quits? How do you decide you have tried as much as you possibly can? I knew I would know if we reached that point and here we are. We have gotten to the end of the road. To the right we have the option to continue. Continue trying to make Delainee a sister to a baby she can hold. Continue trying for another baby we can bring home with us. Continue pouring all of the money we have into fertility treatments. Continue having broken hearts when once again a cycle isn't successful or we hear the words I don't see a heartbeat. Continue having shots every night and 10 plus pills just to find out again they didn't work. Or on the other side we grieve and learn to live without the other way. We can focus on us and our family of 3 on this earth. Will that longing ever be gone? Probably not completely. But eventually you just know when enough is enough. And it doesn't have to be when you run out of embryos again. It can simply be because you miscarry again and your heart can't take another loss. It is when the fears again outweigh the wants, and for good reason. When financially and physically you just can't take enough. Over $40,000 is gone and until heaven we don't have our babies to hold. It is time to be our family of 3 and focus on Delainee. She wants to be a sister more than anything so now we have to make her, a 6 year old, understand that that isn't going to happen. It isn't going to be easy but it will be worth it. It will be worth it to not put all of our energy into building a family that isn't going to be. It will be worth it, it has to be worth it.

Edited May 27, 2015 I originally wrote this post 2 weeks ago when I started bleeding and thought yet again I was miscarrying. I went in the next day and we had a baby and a heartbeat. I could breath a little easy but still not as easy as the girl that was pregnant almost 7 years ago. Today we went for our 8 week check up and we found out our baby just passed. Sounds all too familiar. The your baby measures perfect there is just no heartbeat. We gained another angel in our welcome group in heaven. I often wonder will it only be our babies that passed after implanting or will it be all the embryos we transferred. I guess one day I will know that answer but it isn't today. Today my heart breaks for the baby inside of me that no longer has a beating heart. The baby that I wanted to protect and once again I wasn't able to. My heart breaks knowing that my big girl won't be a sister. Don't take one day for granted having the children your heart longs for. Your kids may fight and drive you crazy but someone else is wishing they had that chance.