IVF #2

In February we went for our preIVF blood work so that we could proceed with our IVF schedule. I took 30 days of birth control pills (ironic isn't it) and then went on March 9th for a baseline ultrasound and bloodwork. All was good so I startedy injections that might. I did 225 of follistim and went back on Monday March 16th. Everything looked great and I was progressing right how they want me to be. I had a much needed mom's day and visited friends and meet the most adorable little baby. Tuesday I continued on the follistim and also added ganerelix to keep my front runners from getting too far advanced. I did this Wednesday and after my checkup on Thursday also did this Thursday. And I triggered Friday. Sunday bright and early we checked in to my RE's office at 7am and I was soon taken to my room where they ask a bunch of questions, hook up the IV and have the anesthesiologist come in to address any concerns I might have. Before I knew it I was back in the surgery suite and I went from breathing oxygen to waking up in recovery. My first question of course was how many eggs. There was another retrieval right after me so they didn't have the report yet. Last time I had 19 to start with so I was afraid of I had less I would be disappointed. Well I certainly didn't have less! One of my nurses popped her head in and told me they retrieved 32 eggs! I was very shocked! My other nurse told me they wrote down my prediction number based on my ultrasounds and it was 18! I nearly doubled that! And I felt good leaving the hospital. We got home and I was tired so I slept in my chair and after I got up I felt so bloated. The bloating has continued since then. I look like I am pregnant and that isn't an exaggeration. So not only did I have to go on birth control before starting IVF but now I get to look pregnant even though I am not! What a cruel process. I am trying to get the fluid level to go down and will be watching it very close the next few days because of I gain too much weight I will likely have to go back to the office to be checked for ohss. We will NOT be doing a fresh transfer. We will have any blastocysts that we have tested at day 5 and freeze all embryos for future use. This is a very personal decision that David and I along with our Dr made. We are strictly checking to make sure we have healthy embryos to transfer. Any embryos that aren't compatible with life would result in another miscarriage and we can't put ourselves through that again. When we decide the time is right we will transfer again. But that will be between David and I. Pregnancy is suppose to be a joyful time. We lost 3 babies last year and I know in my heart I will be over the moon to be pregnant again someday. I will also be scared to death. So please just pray for us. Pray for the next year, heck pray for the next two! If we have news to share it will be in our time and to whom we feel comfortable. I can honestly say at this very moment, and since William died, I have no desire to tell anyone. Not family, not anyone. Please respect our decisions. Everyone grieves differently and also handles loss differently. This is how I am handling it. Another way I am handling it is I have recently signed up with Young Living Essential Oils. My kit came with Stress Away and Joy. I planned to use both of these during my IVF cycle. My wonderful friend Brie and her sister Katie also sent me Peace & Calming and Valor. So those for oils are my everyday oils. I also drink Ningxia Red which is made from wolfberries and very high in antioxidants and nutrients. It is very yummy! I am not sure if those or my weight loss contributed to a higher response this cycle or not but I have felt good so that is all that matters. I like lemon in my water and have used peppermint for headaches. I also use oils on my family but I won't get into all of that. If you do have oily questions send me a message! 

I will update this entry with my fertilization reports.

As of Monday March 23rd we found out 28 of the 32 eggs were mature (holy moly!) and 27 fertilized! Our next report will be on Wednesday to see how many have made it to day 3. 

Wednesday's report is in, at day 3 we have 26 embryos meeting their milestones. 

Friday's report is we are biopsying 13 embryos. We have more that could be tested but every one after 8 is an extra $350 so we had to draw the line somewhere.

As of this morning (Saturday March 28th) our official report for our "extra embryos" is 7 that are frozen without testing. We are so lucky to have so many embryos. This is not typically the way IVF works out. 

What was life like before?

I try to think back to 5 years ago. Delainee was almost 1 and we hadn't yet started "trying" for another baby. What was it like then? We just enjoyed her, us, our family? Honestly we can't even remember our lives before all of the stress, heartache and loss. I am not the mother I should be. I get mad too easily and my fuse is so short. I take it out on Delainee when I shouldn't and it breaks her heart as well as mine. Just relax, don't stress about it, it will happen have faith. No matter how much I try to do these things it doesn't happen. We are gearing up for a fresh IVF cycle and I am just worn down. I am ready to throw in my hat and be done. I don't know how we can possibly go through another loss, in the way of a failure or a miscarriage. I also don't know how we move on if we aren't able to carry another baby to term. Delainee talks daily about wanting to be a sister, a sister to a baby she can see and teach things like writing their name. How could I just give up on her? This isn't about just David and I. We did a lot of bloodwork to try to determine why we haven't been able to stay pregnant or get pregnant and nothing new has arisen. I still have PCOS and that is it. No clotting disorders, no chromosome disorders and we aren't carriers for anything. We will be doing PGS testing on our embryos from our IVF cycle to increase our odds by transferring only normal embryos. We know for sure William was normal but we don't know about the other 2 losses. And since they were early losses likely they weren't normal. We need prayers. Prayers for good results from PGS testing (to be done at the end of March) and prayers for a healthy pregnancy if we do have normal embryos. We don't know when we will transfer and likely won't make this public when we do decide but since we are doing PGS it will be a frozen cycle instead of fresh so we can wait as long as we feel we should. Please also pray that we will find ourselves again. The before stress couple that had high hopes for life. 

Ready for 2015!

I have never been more ready for a year to be over. Sure sometimes we have things to look forward to so we wish time away but I am just done with it. I want a fresh start. Our year has been the worst year of our lives. 

So after we had William I had surgery again for retained placenta. We were hoping to do a FET after that. Well my cycle was messed up so the next month. Then my cycle started too late and my Dr would be gone when we would transfer so another month behind! Finally in November we transferred 2 embryos. And we also learned I wasn't pregnant. How could our luck be stuck on terrible no good news still? We had 3 embryos left after this. I talked with my doctor and she agreed to thaw and transfer all embryos. So I prepared for my last cycle. Transfer day was December 5 and 2 of our 3 embryos survived the thaw and were transferred. On December 13 (12/13/14) we found out that it worked. My numbers were much lower then with the twins but that just meant there was probably one. I went back 2 days later and they like them to double in 48 hours and mine was a doubling time of around 32 hours so all was good! I was so scared when they called that it was bad news but it wasn't. I was due to go back December 29 but we changed it to 30th because of a scheduling conflict. 

Christmas started like any other Christmas with Santa, breakfast and present opening. Delainee also made a bracelet for William for Christmas so we were going to send it up with balloons. It was our first Christmas without our babies and also William's 6 month Angelversary. I felt something was off before we went out to let off the balloons but while we were out there the gush came. I rushed back into the house and there was blood. My heart sank. I had bleeding last time and it was just bleeding buy my heart told me different this time. I laid in bed, called my doctor and the bleeding was letting up. She wasn't real concerned because bleeding is very common in IVF pregnancies. My bleeding got worse through the day and I wasn't able to do anything. We didn't even have our Christmas meal. I called the office Friday and they said they wanted to see me first thing Monday to see what was going on and to rest all weekend. Well Monday brought bad news. No baby and my numbers had decreased. I miscarried. We lost 3 babies this year. 3! It isn't fair. Not one bit! And now we are battling insurance to cover testing to see if there are more underlying conditions. If it isn't one thing it is another! 

So as you can see we welcome 2015! The future is uncertain but for now we will focus on health and continue our journey later. It is time for a break to try to find the people we once were. 

Sweet Wlliam

Sweet Baby Boy-

I can not believe tomorrow is the day, the day you were due. It has been over 5 months since I felt you move. I miss you every second of every day, we all do. Delainee talks about you all the time. She misses you so much. She is truly the best big sister and you are so lucky to have her. I just wish she could see you like you can see her. I wish she could hold you, feed you and smell that sweet new baby smell you would have. I wish I could see your daddy holding his baby boy. I just know you would look just like him. That cute chin dimple and big blue eyes. We prayed for you, we wanted you and we waited for you. Now we miss you even more! I should be up at night either feeding you or because I am so pregnant my bladder feels full every 20 minutes. I wish I could wake up and you would be here with us. One day we will meet again in Heaven, what a glorious day that will be! One day William I pray that you will be a big brother and watch over your baby brother or sister. It has been a long and hard road and continues to be and it makes me miss you more and more. I will always wonder what happened, why your little heart stopped and why you couldn't live with us on earth. Why after everything you were just gone. We will always remember you! Our lives will never be the same without you but I am so glad we had you, if even for a moment. I pray you are playing in dirt and combining corn in heaven as you would on earth. Watch over us sweet boy. Give your twin a hug for us. We love him/her so much also. I am sure Baby White welcomed you with open arms when you arrived in Heaven. Please be with us this month as we celebrate Christmas with you here.

Love you so much babies!
Mamma

Should be...

Tomorrow I should be 34 weeks pregnant, but today is 4 months without my William. I should be nearly finished Christmas shopping so that I don't have to worry about doing it a newborn. We should have done family pictures of our family of 3 for the last time with me pregnant. Instead Delainee had her pictures taken today and we didn't do family pictures because the thought of it made me sad. In 6 weeks from tomorrow will be William's due date. In 2 months from today we should be celebrating Christmas as a family of 4 or 5 but instead it will be 6 months since William went to heaven. I will get to decorate an angel tree instead of a nursery. My life before William was filled with dreams of our someday baby. Now it is what should have been. I will miss my babies every day. If only I could turn back time and feel William move one more time. Or if I would have recorded his heartbeat I could listen to it now. 

Pictures from Wave of Light. There were many candles lite for our babies and their angel friends and I am so thankful for those people that remembered. 

Our candles for our babies and many of their angel friends. And one for the many more Angels in heaven! 

We also relieved this beautiful rose to let us know they remembered our babies! Thank you Nancy and Kevin! 

Three months

I can't believe today at this time 3 months ago I was being brought to my hospital room from recovery. I delivered my baby boy into heaven and then was whisked away to emergent surgery to remove retained placent. I had such a peace come over me that night. I knew that my baby was in heaven and for a brief moment I was ok with that. I think it must have been the drugs they used to put me under. I don't remember dreaming but maybe I had a look into heaven and knew how well he would be looked after until I can join him. I really don't know what made me feel that way but I had a moment of peace. That moment was gone the next day. It all set in and I was taken to my car with no baby. I left the hospital with a memory box. Not a baby. My husband didn't get to put a Carseat in and check it 100 times to make sure it was in good. He didn't get to stuff a bunch of It's a Boy balloons into the car. We got a box. I am so grateful for that box but I would much rather have my baby. I can't believe it has been three months. A lady on one of my FET groups had her twins at 29w3d. We were on the exact same cycle. She has babies that are fighting and doing amazing and I have angel's. I am so thankful her girls are doing so good! I am sad for myself. So many mixed emotions. I think of the future and I am scared. What if it happens again. I never thought I would survive baby loss and I have. But I really don't think I could survive it again. Not completely. I pray that when the time is right that God keeps my baby(s) safe. That we will bring our rainbow home and Delainee will get to be the big sister she deserves to be. She loves her brother so much. She is truly a blessing. Methodist Women's Hospital had a day of remembrance this past Sunday and the three of us attended. It was very emotional. Way more so then I was prepared for. Here are some pictures I took. 

Cleaning out my should be nursery

Back in June we started the transition to Delainee's you room being downstairs in our finished basement so that we could have that room for our nursery. I has a schedule of when I wanted to be done and I was hitting all of my goals. I order a stand for the mattress set so that it can be a "guest room" also if someone stays. I ordered a new comforter and sheets. I was sorting things had a had a goal of having it all moved down by the end of June. David was moving the big stuff and I would move the smaller things. We were suppose to go to our appointment. We were hopefully going to find out what we were having. Would it be a rustic boys nursery or a pastel vintage girl nursery. Would I want to use Delainee's old crib or would we just get a whole new set? That is how it was suppose to be. That is what was suppose to happen. I wasn't suppose to finish moving her things in September to only have a empty room that has her old baby toys in the closet. I should be picking wall colors for my baby boys nursery. I should be looking a 100's of crib sets and trying to decide if I even want to have one or just sheets and a bumper pad. Who uses the quilt anyway? I had considered making the bumper pad myself. So many people think they are dangerous but we had one with Delainee. Instead I have a room that has the last of the things I went through that I am hoping to rehome because Delainee no longer needs them. Then it will just be empty. No new life being put into it. I don't get to do any of those things that I was suppose to be doing. My first baby boy will never be in my arms. He will never sleep in a crib. He will never get to be held by his big sister. She was so excited to be a big sister. She talks about William all the time. She wishes he could come back from heaven. She took ultrasound pictures to school for her about me bag. She told her class that her baby brother died and is in heaven. They asked her why and she told them she didn't know. I told her I didn't know either. She prays that she wishes he could come back and that she wants to have us forever and please don't let her parents die. It breaks my heart. She is 5 but she is hurting. She wants to wear her I'm a big sister shirt to school. I just can't let her. Not now. Maybe not ever. I don't want to send mixed messages to anyone. I know she is a big sister, she knows that she is a big sister but not everyone will understand that. Being a big sister to an Angel is so hard. Being a mother to an Angel is even harder. Christmas Day will be 6 months since I delivered my baby boy into heaven. And when I say delivered I mean delivered. I think people may be confused because at 16 weeks it is considered a miscarriage. I personally hate that word. I was induced because my baby didn't have a heartbeat. I labored and delivered my William at 6:57 pm. I then had to have surgery because my body didn't want to let go of his placenta. It still had 24 more months to nourish him. Little did I know even after an emergency D&C I would still have retained placenta. I had another surgery 3 weeks ago to remove the rest as well as scar tissue. 2 different surgeries (histeroscopy for the second) to remove the remainder of my pregnancy. I feel physically "normal" now I guess. I honestly am not sure what normal feels like but I think this is it. Most days I want to just take David and Delainee and run. Run far away and never look back. I am scared of the furture. I know that when David and I decide the time is right and we proceed with another FET that I will be so scared. I don't even think I can wrap my head around just how bad it will be. With the twins I was scared. And I lost baby White and my heart cracked. I had William to focus on. I always had the what if. You know preparing myself for the worst. Little did I know I wasn't prepared at all. I couldn't have possibly been prepared. I knew people who had been through it but I went into fertility treatments with the feeling that if I could get pregnant I would stay pregnant. I could really slap myself for that. Now I know, I know what the dark side looks like. I know the feeling of why hasn't the tech shown up the heartbeat, why don't I see the flicker. I know the sound of being told how sorry people are. The emptiness when we knew there was no heartbeat but the doctor checking for himself and stopping over my son's heart and it being a flat line. No sound. The only sound would have been my heart breaking. Unless you have lived it and I pray many have not then you just really don't fully understand. I know I thought I did. My heart hurt for another local couple that learned of their baby passing. I tried to imagine how devastated I would be. Turns out I couldn't imagine just how bad it would hurt. I with be thankful when we have another pregnancy. Oh so thankful. But I will be scared to death. So if you are reading this and in the furture you congratulate me and I look scared, it is because I will be. If you didn't even know I was pregnant it isn't because I am not happy to be pregnant, I will be scared and holding my breath until I hold my baby. And please don't ask when we plan to try again. The be honest it isn't anyone's business unless we tell them. We can't replace William and his twin. A new baby won't fill that void. Life will never be the same but it is the new normal.