Graduation day!

I thought this day would never come! Nearly 11 months ago we decided to take the next step,after trying for a second child for over 3 years, and saw Dr Doherty for the first time. At the consultation we were extremely satisfied with what she had to say and that day marked the start to our journey. It wasn't an easy journey but it got us to where we are today. We did 3 medicated cycles 1 being canceled and 2 being unsuccessful iui's. We then moved to IVF and transferred two of the most beautiful embryos my doctor had seen in a long time. Again we got a BFN. We were devastated. Devastation probably is an understatement. IUI failures hurt but IVF it was like I failed my babies. They were perfect and my body let them down. My job as a mother is to keep my babies safe and I wasn't able to do that. We moved right on to our FET. I had the transfer on March 21 and found out March 30 that it worked! That our prayers had been answered and we were pregnant! PREGNANT! I still am overjoyed that there is a baby growing in my tummy :) 

Yesterday was our last visit to our RE. It was very bittersweet. Our doctor helped our dreams come true. She was there for us in the bad times and the good. The nurses are wonderful and I am going to miss them all. We will meet with our new doctor towards the end of June and I have faith we will have just as excellent care from them.  I am excited to see our baby grow bigger and bigger until we finally get to meet him or her. I have seen many blogs with pregnancy questions so I thought it would be fun to do every so often. 

How far along: 12 weeks 6 days 

Total Weight Gain/Loss: As of the last time I weighed this week I was down 9 pounds! 

Maternity clothes: Not yet. 

Stretch marks: Only from Delainee.  

Sleep: I sleep pretty good. Sometimes I don't even get up once to go to the bathroom. The past few days I haven't slept as good because I have a sunburn. 

Best moment this week: We had our last appointment with our RE and got to see our little baby. 

Movement: Not yet.

Food cravings: I haven't had any real cravings. Things sound good sometimes is all. 

Gender: Don't know yet. Delainee says boy. David says boy. I think girl. 

Labor signs: N/A

Belly button - in or out? In. Have never had a belly button out so that would freak me out! 

What I miss: That is hard because I am

so thankful to have this baby growing. 

What I am looking forward to: Finding out what we're having and movements. 

Milestones: Getting past the morning sickness. It has improved so much! 

Here is a picture of our baby from yesterday. It was a tired baby that didn't want to wake up. The tech was shaking my stomach and poking around but the only reaction she got was arms thrown up like leave me alone! 

FET cycle #1

It is always hard to figure out how to start these posts. If you read my last post you know that back in March we found out our IVF didn't work so our next step was FET. FET is a frozen embryo transfer. After our fresh cycle we were blessed to have 8 embryos waiting for us. So we started our next cycle and planned to transfer 2 embryos. With a FET the protocol is different. Instead of doing shots to stimulate my ovaries I actually suppress them and build up the lining of my uterus. So I took the estrace pills for 10 days then went in for an ultrasound to check my lining. Everything looked great so we were on for transfer on that Friday. I started PIO (progesterone in oil) shots that Monday once a day. When I went in for transfer they draw blood and said my levels were low so I was increased to 2 shots a day! Here is a picture of our embryos the morning of the transfer. The top row is frozen and bottom is after they woke up. 

We would go back in 9 days (usually 8 but we had a scheduling conflict) for a BETA to see if I was pregnant. We stayed in Omaha because it was a weekend and I had to be there before 730. I rolled out of bed and went, came back to the hotel and we ate breakfast, I showered (praying my phone would ring while I was in the shower so David would get the news) and then after my shower my phone rang. My heart jumped out of my body and I caught my breath and answered. "Melissa this is (nurses name I don't remember) I am calling to tell you that you are pregnant!" I said yay and David started cheering and so did Delainee (although she had no idea why she was). I am pregnant! It worked! I was beside myself! I wanted a pregnancy test now so I could see that positive! My BETA was 181. Very very pregnant! They like to see it over 50. So on our way home we picked up HPT and folic acid because they wanted me on extra. When we got home the first thing I did was pee on that stick! And here it is! 

Isn't that a beauty? We went back 2 days later for a second BETA. They like it to double every 48-72 hours. My number was 407 more then doubled! Then the long 2 week wait to ultrasound. At this time I picked up Delainee's cold and slept half my day away. I was so tired!

The morning of my ultrasound I started spotting. Which I know this can happen but I was so happy I had an ultrasound that day! We went and there were 2 sacs. One had a heartbeat and one didn't. They said the one without (baby A) may or may not develop and spotting was normal. We left the office and I had mixed emotions. That little flicker of a heartbeat was beautiful but I was so sad my baby A may not make it. They scheduled me to come back one week later. I was to go to a meeting that afternoon and went to the bathroom before leaving the house and started bleeding. Not spotting bright red bleeding with clots and extreme cramping. It was no period cramping. I called and the nurse said to lay down to let my cervix and uterus calm down and then call and let them know how the bleeding was. It was better and gradually went away. They said it was hard to tell why I bleed but it is common and happens all the time. I would still go back in a week because they wouldn't want to irritate anything more then it already was. Here is a picture from my first ultrasound. 

Baby A didn't have a heartbeat Baby B did. 

Our next ultrasound a week later we still had 2 babies. Baby B had a 145 heart rate and measured 7 weeks 1 day (right on). Baby A had a weak heart around 74 I believe but it was beating! Measured 6 weeks 3 days so 5 days behind Baby B. They told us it was 50/50 if Baby A would make it and my next ultrasound would be in 2 long weeks! During all this time I had some spotting off and on but again very normal with IVF and multiple pregnancies. No more bleeding. Here are our babies from that ultrasound. 

This is Baby A. It was high up so hard for them to get a good look and picture. 

This is Baby B. 

I had been feeling sick but not getting sick until this appointment. I started getting sick more and more so the following week started taking a prescription to help me. It was a miracle pill for about 4 days. Then I got sick again. It does help though. Sometimes I just have to stop fighting my body and just do what it says and I feel better. 

Tuesday May 6 was our next ultrasound. I would be 9 weeks and 1 day if you go off of Baby B's measurements from 7 weeks. We got there and when the ultrasound tech started the ultrasound I could see the screen and saw my baby but she kept looking then went back to the baby. She said here is it's little arms and legs and we listened to the heart 180! She then told us our other baby stopped growing. I knew when I only saw one baby and an empty looking sac but the words confirmed it. I lost my baby. I am so thankful for my healthy baby. And I know my baby gave it all he had but God took him to be with him. I will see my baby again someday but until then there are ao many family members enjoying him (I say him because that is what my heart says). My heart is so happy I have a healthy baby growing  but it will always long for the baby we lost. Here is out baby at 9 weeks 1 day. 

See it's little arms and legs? 

I am writing this post on Thursday but posting it Sunday because that is when we will have told family. Delainee will find out Friday so I don't have a reaction from her yet but I can't wait to tell her! 

I will always have infertility. I will always be bitter when people get pregnant easy. But I also wouldn't be who I am today without this journey. And the journey isn't over. Happy Mother's Day to all the moms out there. Mommy's of angels and of babies, toddlers, teens and adults. We are all moms! 

So I thought it would be fun to figure up how many PIO shots I have and will finish up with (Tuesday!) for this cycle. The total is....110 shots! And they are a 1 1/2 inch needle in the upper outer butt. I have welts on my rear and honestly think it will never be the same but it has been so worth it! I also take 8 pills daily! I will start decreasing the estrace (blue) on Tuesday and finish them the first few days of June. I will also finish the metformin after my next appointment which is May 30. I will continue to take the prenatal and extra folic acid for the remainder of my pregnancy and hopefully I will quit the nausea meds (not pictured) in the coming month. 

Please continue to pray that this baby will be healthy and so will my pregnancy. Thank you for all the prayers during this difficult time. 

IVF

So a lot has gone on since I last posted. I was waiting to find out from our RE what she recommended for our next step. Well she recommended IVF. So here is our journey...

On January 14th David and I went in for our pre-IVF bloodwork. They want to make sure you don't have anything blood born that you would pass on so they test for HIV, Hepatitis C and B and also RPR. I also had a cycle day 3 lab draw at the same time to check FSH, Thyroid, E2 and I think something else. I am the worlds worst person to give blood. My veins are like not existent! They have a light they can put on my arm to see the veins and they are like little spider veins and one good one in each arm! If I am lucky they stick me once buy usually I am

Not that lucky. And sometimes I get to go home with matching bruises! I have been stuck for blood more times through this then I have my whole life! Then on January 15 I started birth control (who knew getting pregnant meant preventing it lol). The birth control helps to get my body ready for the medication that is going to he thrown it's way. 

On February 7 I went up for a baseline ultrasound and another blood draw! The lab techs are starting to recognize me and not in a good way! My doctor is the one that typically draws my blood. Everything looked good so I started Follistim 225 a night on February 8-12 and back for another ultrasound and bloodwork on the 13th. Once again everything was looking just as planned. My E2 was 505 which they said was right on course. So I continued the same dose and on the 15th added Ganirelix also. This is to keep me from ovulating on my own and to stop an front runners from getting too far ahead. I went back the 16th for yep you guessed it ultrasound and bloodwork. My E-2 was 1465 or something like that. They called and said to do one more night of both meds then on Monday I would trigger for a Wednesday egg retrieval. 

Egg retrieval February 19!

We had to be at the hospital at 730 for a 830 retrieval. I couldn't eat or drink past midnight and we had to make the nearly 2 hour drive. I survived it better then I thought I would. So I waited around in the preop room for about an hour then they wheeled me over to the OR and I walked in, the embryologist came and checked my wristband and then my doctor helped me up onto the table. I stretched my arms out, they strapped them down, gave me some oxygen and said they were going to put my medicine in my IV. Next thing I know I am waking up in recovery. Shortly they brought David back and I drank some Sierra mist (this is in no way the same as sprite!) and some graham crackers. We were able to leave by 1030 I think it was. I can't remember exactly. I was sore to say the least. Bloated and sore! Oh yeah I almost forgot the exciting part they retrieved 19 eggs! My right ovary had to be pushed over because it wanted to hang out on my uterus so they said I would feel like I had been punched in the gut. They were right! I took Tylenol and rested for most the day. We went to a play that our nephew Dayton was in that evening (which was so good and funny). The next day I felt much better. They called with my fertilization report but not until nearly 2! Out of the 19 eggs 15 were mature. And 14 fertilized! What a huge number! Then Saturday they called and said everything was looking great and we would be doing a 5 day transfer so Monday was the day! They would call with our report on Monday but we had to go ahead and head up because we are a 2 hour drive. Oh and since my retrieval I had to do nightly shots of progesterone in oil. I was so scared after seeing some peoples posts but they weren't that bad! This is to help sustain a pregnancy because it wasn't a natural cycle so generally the body wouldn't produce it. 

Transfer Day February 24!

We hadn't much more then drop Delainee off and were headed out of Tarkio when my doctor called. She said they all had made it to day 5 and we had plenty of beautiful embryos to choose from so we were on! Now the only choice was 1 or 2 embryos. 2 of course! I could eat and had to drink to get my bladder full. We got there, checked in and then moved over to the hospital and waited for about an hour until it was time for transfer. So we (David got to go for this!) went to the operating from. Our babysitter (embryologist) came and checked my band like before and then on the table I went. This time I got to be awake. They started the ultrasound (I drank like 50 oz but must have been dehydrated because my bladder could have been fuller!) and my doctor did a test run with the catheter so she could put the embryos into the perfect spot. Then she said ready! The big tv screen turned on and there they were. Out embryos in the dish waiting to be put into the catheter and then into my uterus where they belonged. After she put them in (I was looking in the wrong spot on the screen but David saw they leave the catheter) they flush the catheter to make sure both came out and they had! Now I was to stay for another hour then home (laying down the seat) and bedrest for 24 hours. I had some pretty good company :) Here is a picture of 6 of our 14 embryos. 

Next is a picture of an embry cycle so you have something to compare to. 

As you can see 5 out of these 6 are at the day 5 stage. So now the wait is on! 8 days!

The results are in. 

So now we are all caught up to today March 4th. We drove up to Omaha, they drew my blood (first try) and we were on our way. The wait was on. They said a couple hours. We did some shopping then we were going to go to lunch but I couldn't even think of food! David grabbed something fast and we headed south. I kept looking at my phone. That wasn't making it ring so I set it down and was just listening to the radio and it started to ring. My heart skipped a beat. I was met with my doctors voice on the other end. Next thing I hear was "I just can't even believe this but I have bad news". My heart sank. My worst fear was happening. Why?! I listened to her as she said she was in complete shock because these were the most beautiful embryos she had seen in a long time. She said this happens sometimes, not often but it does happen. She said they all thought for sure I would be pregnant with twins and she never even considered it coming back negative. She said not to beat myself up too much and that this doesn't mean anything about the figure. We still have 8 beautiful embryos in the freezer and as soon as we are ready we can move forward. Cry and be sad but then we move on. She asked if I had any questions and honestly I didn't. And I couldn't ask them if I did because I was fighting back the tears. I broke down as soon as I hung up. We have tried so hard! For almost 4 years and here we are, still trying. I am certain I am not done crying but I am certain we will keep trying. It doesn't seem fair and I don't feel like I am being impatient but God has a plan. My heart hurts but I have a wonderful husband to hold me and wonderful family and friends to lean on. Prayers are still appreciated when you think about us and our journey. Someday I will have wonderful news to report I just know it! 

PS this is a long post and I have no desire to proofread so please excuse spelling and anything that doesn't flow :) 

Fertility Cycle #3

So as many of you know I am not patient, at all! This infertility is really not fitting into my plan. So we were going to wait until after the holidays for our next cycle. But I just couldn't wait! So we went back to the doctor on Dec 19 and started back to injections on Dec 21. This time she started me on 200 units of follistim. We went back on Dec 26 and I had follies growing but no front runners. My doctor said once again we should consider selective reduction because I may have several if we continue. I prayed and prayed about this and continued on with the cycle and we went back in 2 days on Saturday Dec. 28 and I had 3-4 mature big follies! The doctor said I needed to trigger right away so she gave me the shot right then. She said to come back the next morning for IUI! So our one night stay in a hotel turned into 2 which was more then fine with our 4 year old that loves staying in a hotel. So as I wrote this (January 8) I am in the 2ww (2 week wait). Last time I didn't dwell on it until 2 days before. I have 4 days and they are going so slow! I am praying at least one of those follies hatched into a beautiful egg that was fertilized! 

Well the day is here. And I knew for a few days what the result was going to be but today was the official day. BFN (big fat negative)! I cried yesterday so hopefully today will be a better day. I am sure I will cry some but hopefully not a lot. I ask myself why me? Why do I have to go through all of this? The heartaches when I get a negative. The broken heart when I look into my daughters eyes when she talks about when we have a brother or sister. The broken heart I have when I feel like I am letting everyone down, including my husband, that would love another child, grandchild, niece or nephew. And the heartache I feel thinking about Delainee's future not having a sibling. It is almost more then I can handle. Then I get a message from someone else with PCOS or infertility of some sort and that reminds me why me. Me because I am determined to get the word out. Me because if I can give hope or educate one person I am better off then when this all started. Me because I am stronger then I give myself credit for. What is our next step now? I will find out in the next few days but it is looking more and more like IVF and frankly I think I am ready. It is way more painful financially but has a higher success rate. And more control. So there would be no worry about over producing. The more I produce the better! I wish insurance covered IVF or even a portion of it! I don't know why people can have child after child living off the state but a person that pays to have insurance can't have coverage for a child they can afford! But that is just another subject that could keep me going for a long time! 

That is all for now. Prayers are appreciated! 

2013 Year in Review

January we started the year off at the most magical place on earth, Disney World. We watched the fireworks at Magic Kingdom where we were surrounded by fireworks from all of the parks. It was absolutely magical, and insane! I highly recommend you do not go to Disney World at this time unless you like it crazy! I also highly recommend staying at a Disney resort and taking their shuttles. Total life saver and probably a marriage saver if you go during a crazy busy time like we did! We did have a great time of meeting princesses and seeing a show though. Next time we go, and there will be a next time, we will try to go during a less busy time.

March I went to and Endocrinologist and had blood work (not on the 3rd day like it is suppose to be done) and was diagnosed with nothing. No thyroid problems and no PCOS. I was referred on to Dr. Maud Dorherty who is a Fertility Endocrinologist. I called and made our appointment for 16 weeks from that day! So crazy she has such a wait!

March Delainee also turned 4 (This is the most important thing that happened in March just going in order). We had a birthday party for her with some of our family, her friends and some of our friends. It was a great time. She got way more then she needed and we ate way more cake then we needed! She also got tickets to Taylor Swift for her birthday! We had a great time at the concert with my sister in law and Delainee's cousin. The girls loved it and I did too. If you haven't seen Taylor Swift perform you should she puts on a wonderful show.

May I turned 28. Depressing every birthday I have that we don't have another baby.

July 3rd we had our consultation with Dr. Dorherty. She diagnosed me right away with PCOS and gave us our plan after medical history and talking to us. We were very impressed with her. She is straight forward but is willing to answer questions.

September we celebrated our 6th anniversary. Crazy to think how fast time has gone. We also started our first fertility cycle. And we also had to stop our first fertility cycle with over production. Very depressing to have to give up on a cycle, our first cycle at that.

October was Halloween, Delainee dressed up as Rapunzel for Halloween and we went to our farm neighbors then headed over to Charlie and Millie Hurst's for soup. Delainee absolutely loves Millie so we spend most of our evening there and then ventured on to town to about 4 houses. Luckily we meet up with Grandma White who had a big bag of candy for Delainee so that took up a lot of space in her bag and once we got home we put that together with Grandma Thompson's and well we still have Halloween candy! She isn't huge on candy which is great!

November we did our second cycle and first IUI, which resulted in a negative pregnancy test :( We decided then we would wait until after the holidays. We had Thanksgiving with my dad's family and also my mom's family. And my wonderful husbands birthday just happen to be Thanksgiving this year so I surprised him with a cake. So once again we ate way too much cake before putting the rest in the freezer!

December we had Delainee's school program, finished up dance until January, and Christmas'. First we had Christmas with my family, then David's family, then just us and finally my moms family came to our house. In my last post I said I would put pictures of my trees up so here you go :)

So after thinking about the last year and I have been thinking anyway there are a few things I would like to do in 2014. I am praying we are able to become pregnant in 2014 if not have a baby in 2014. I want to continue to show Delainee how to be a good person, have manners and that things are things. That being said for her birthday this year I am asking family to not buy her a gift. Keep reading :) I got the idea from a blog and I wish I knew which one because I would give credit but I want family to buy an experience rather then a gift. It can be going to a movie, getting a pedicure, going to the zoo, the list goes on and on but nothing that is going to get lost in her mountain of toys. I want this to happen in the month of March so that she gets to celebrate her birthday all month long. We won't do a family birthday party this year just friends. Family can celebrate her birthday with her when they take her for her special day. How awesome would it be to have 6 days celebrating your birthday with family? That would be what she would get if everyone chooses to participate. No matter what I am requesting no gifts from family so I hope everyone finds some time for her. After all she is what it is about not a gift. I am hoping we can do the same with nieces and nephews. Last year we took our youngest niece to the circus with us and I think she had a good time. That to me is way more meaningful then a gift or $. 

So here is to a wonderful 2014! To my PCOS systers and those with infertility baby dust to us all! 

Fertility cycle number two

November 1 I went back to the doctor after being on birth control for a month because of cysts. My ultrasound went great the cysts were gone so on the 3rd I started injections again. This time she started me at 100 units and I went back the following Friday. At that ultrasound there weren't any front runners and after getting my estrogen blood work they called and said to increase to 200 and come back Tuesday. On Tuesday I had a follie (egg) measuring at 17 which was great! A single front runner! So I did one more night of injections and on Wednesday night I triggered! That means on Friday we were doing IUI! I was extremely nervous for the trigger shot because David had to administer it in the muscle but he was so wonderful I didn't feel more then a prick of the needle. On Friday we went up and did the insemination! And the wait began! Two long weeks of waiting before I could test. My estrogen level that day was over 800. For one good egg they like it a over 200 so mine was exceptional! My lining was great and David's numbers were gold star achievable! Everything was perfect! Then finally today was the day to test. I have been thinking about it nonstop for two days. Wasn't sure I would be able to sleep last night! I was afraid to test because if it was negative it would be real. Until that lonely one line I could imagine the what ifs. Well reality had to hit and it hit me snack in the gut. One lonely line it was. It isn't fair. I wanted it to be positive so bad but no matter how hard I looked at it it wasn't changing. No cute ultrasound reveals at Christmas for family. No getting to tell Delainee finally there is a baby in my tummy, that she will be a big sister. We are taking a break until after the holidays. Treatments take up a lot of time. Ultrasounds 2-3 days a week and being hormonal. I would much rather enjoy the holidays and Delainee's Christmas break without that. So next year we will have a new start. And let's face it that is only just over a month away! 

Here is a picture of my first tree that is up :) 

Love my "nature tree". Can't wait to put more trees up! Decorating and having trees up is one of my favorite things! The end result is my favorite of course! Enjoy your Thanksgiving with family or friends and I will update when all my trees are up!

Nothing new to report...

When I went back after my last cycle started I had cysts because of the injections so there is nothing new to report because I was put on birth control for a month and I will go back soon to see if they are gone! Fingers crossed they are! I couldn't feel that they were in there so can't say I feel a difference. I am ready to try this again! If I over produce again it is recommended (she actually gave the option for this round) we do IVF. I am not ready for that because our insurance doesn't cover anything and IFV would take our fertility savings to nothing. And what if it didn't work? We would have to wait a good deal of time to do anything again. So I am just going to focus on today and the days ahead and say a lot of prayers! 

David is busy in the combine but has had short days because of frost or moisture in the mornings. I sure so miss him this time of year but also enjoy this time of year because it is so beautiful and I love the smell of harvest and the sound of a combine in the distance. 

My last post was about our dear Ally whom we had to put to sleep. I miss that girl every day! She was more then a dog she was another member of our family. To help our hearts heal we added a new member to our family. 

Meet Oliver 

The pictures are most recent back to 2 weeks ago! He has grown so much already! He really is a good puppy. Few accidents and sleeps all night and doesn't potty in his kennel! Good boy! For a while he was getting up at 4 to go out. Like having a newborn but a newborn you don't freeze you botty off when you get up. Lol. He will be going to training in a few weeks just like Ally did. She was a wonderful dog and we want to give him the chance to be the best he can be too.