Should be...

Tomorrow I should be 34 weeks pregnant, but today is 4 months without my William. I should be nearly finished Christmas shopping so that I don't have to worry about doing it a newborn. We should have done family pictures of our family of 3 for the last time with me pregnant. Instead Delainee had her pictures taken today and we didn't do family pictures because the thought of it made me sad. In 6 weeks from tomorrow will be William's due date. In 2 months from today we should be celebrating Christmas as a family of 4 or 5 but instead it will be 6 months since William went to heaven. I will get to decorate an angel tree instead of a nursery. My life before William was filled with dreams of our someday baby. Now it is what should have been. I will miss my babies every day. If only I could turn back time and feel William move one more time. Or if I would have recorded his heartbeat I could listen to it now. 

Pictures from Wave of Light. There were many candles lite for our babies and their angel friends and I am so thankful for those people that remembered. 

Our candles for our babies and many of their angel friends. And one for the many more Angels in heaven! 

We also relieved this beautiful rose to let us know they remembered our babies! Thank you Nancy and Kevin! 

Three months

I can't believe today at this time 3 months ago I was being brought to my hospital room from recovery. I delivered my baby boy into heaven and then was whisked away to emergent surgery to remove retained placent. I had such a peace come over me that night. I knew that my baby was in heaven and for a brief moment I was ok with that. I think it must have been the drugs they used to put me under. I don't remember dreaming but maybe I had a look into heaven and knew how well he would be looked after until I can join him. I really don't know what made me feel that way but I had a moment of peace. That moment was gone the next day. It all set in and I was taken to my car with no baby. I left the hospital with a memory box. Not a baby. My husband didn't get to put a Carseat in and check it 100 times to make sure it was in good. He didn't get to stuff a bunch of It's a Boy balloons into the car. We got a box. I am so grateful for that box but I would much rather have my baby. I can't believe it has been three months. A lady on one of my FET groups had her twins at 29w3d. We were on the exact same cycle. She has babies that are fighting and doing amazing and I have angel's. I am so thankful her girls are doing so good! I am sad for myself. So many mixed emotions. I think of the future and I am scared. What if it happens again. I never thought I would survive baby loss and I have. But I really don't think I could survive it again. Not completely. I pray that when the time is right that God keeps my baby(s) safe. That we will bring our rainbow home and Delainee will get to be the big sister she deserves to be. She loves her brother so much. She is truly a blessing. Methodist Women's Hospital had a day of remembrance this past Sunday and the three of us attended. It was very emotional. Way more so then I was prepared for. Here are some pictures I took. 

Cleaning out my should be nursery

Back in June we started the transition to Delainee's you room being downstairs in our finished basement so that we could have that room for our nursery. I has a schedule of when I wanted to be done and I was hitting all of my goals. I order a stand for the mattress set so that it can be a "guest room" also if someone stays. I ordered a new comforter and sheets. I was sorting things had a had a goal of having it all moved down by the end of June. David was moving the big stuff and I would move the smaller things. We were suppose to go to our appointment. We were hopefully going to find out what we were having. Would it be a rustic boys nursery or a pastel vintage girl nursery. Would I want to use Delainee's old crib or would we just get a whole new set? That is how it was suppose to be. That is what was suppose to happen. I wasn't suppose to finish moving her things in September to only have a empty room that has her old baby toys in the closet. I should be picking wall colors for my baby boys nursery. I should be looking a 100's of crib sets and trying to decide if I even want to have one or just sheets and a bumper pad. Who uses the quilt anyway? I had considered making the bumper pad myself. So many people think they are dangerous but we had one with Delainee. Instead I have a room that has the last of the things I went through that I am hoping to rehome because Delainee no longer needs them. Then it will just be empty. No new life being put into it. I don't get to do any of those things that I was suppose to be doing. My first baby boy will never be in my arms. He will never sleep in a crib. He will never get to be held by his big sister. She was so excited to be a big sister. She talks about William all the time. She wishes he could come back from heaven. She took ultrasound pictures to school for her about me bag. She told her class that her baby brother died and is in heaven. They asked her why and she told them she didn't know. I told her I didn't know either. She prays that she wishes he could come back and that she wants to have us forever and please don't let her parents die. It breaks my heart. She is 5 but she is hurting. She wants to wear her I'm a big sister shirt to school. I just can't let her. Not now. Maybe not ever. I don't want to send mixed messages to anyone. I know she is a big sister, she knows that she is a big sister but not everyone will understand that. Being a big sister to an Angel is so hard. Being a mother to an Angel is even harder. Christmas Day will be 6 months since I delivered my baby boy into heaven. And when I say delivered I mean delivered. I think people may be confused because at 16 weeks it is considered a miscarriage. I personally hate that word. I was induced because my baby didn't have a heartbeat. I labored and delivered my William at 6:57 pm. I then had to have surgery because my body didn't want to let go of his placenta. It still had 24 more months to nourish him. Little did I know even after an emergency D&C I would still have retained placenta. I had another surgery 3 weeks ago to remove the rest as well as scar tissue. 2 different surgeries (histeroscopy for the second) to remove the remainder of my pregnancy. I feel physically "normal" now I guess. I honestly am not sure what normal feels like but I think this is it. Most days I want to just take David and Delainee and run. Run far away and never look back. I am scared of the furture. I know that when David and I decide the time is right and we proceed with another FET that I will be so scared. I don't even think I can wrap my head around just how bad it will be. With the twins I was scared. And I lost baby White and my heart cracked. I had William to focus on. I always had the what if. You know preparing myself for the worst. Little did I know I wasn't prepared at all. I couldn't have possibly been prepared. I knew people who had been through it but I went into fertility treatments with the feeling that if I could get pregnant I would stay pregnant. I could really slap myself for that. Now I know, I know what the dark side looks like. I know the feeling of why hasn't the tech shown up the heartbeat, why don't I see the flicker. I know the sound of being told how sorry people are. The emptiness when we knew there was no heartbeat but the doctor checking for himself and stopping over my son's heart and it being a flat line. No sound. The only sound would have been my heart breaking. Unless you have lived it and I pray many have not then you just really don't fully understand. I know I thought I did. My heart hurt for another local couple that learned of their baby passing. I tried to imagine how devastated I would be. Turns out I couldn't imagine just how bad it would hurt. I with be thankful when we have another pregnancy. Oh so thankful. But I will be scared to death. So if you are reading this and in the furture you congratulate me and I look scared, it is because I will be. If you didn't even know I was pregnant it isn't because I am not happy to be pregnant, I will be scared and holding my breath until I hold my baby. And please don't ask when we plan to try again. The be honest it isn't anyone's business unless we tell them. We can't replace William and his twin. A new baby won't fill that void. Life will never be the same but it is the new normal. 

It just hits me

Sometimes it just hits me. Much like a ton of bricks. I lost my babies, both of them. I can be sitting down watching tv and my heart breaks all over again, out of nowhere. They are gone. I will never hear their cries and kiss their sweet lips. I will miss you for always my babies. There will always be a huge piece of my heart that left when you did. It has been over a month since I delivered William and I just still can't wrap my head around it. I miss the movements and the sound of his heart. I should be 21 weeks pregnant. Instead I am days away from being 5 weeks post delivery and my womb and arms are empty. Hugs and kisses by Jesus from me babies!

Thank you so much mom and dad for this beautiful necklace. 

It was all taken away

22 days ago so many things were taken from me. First my son, William Lawrence White. I didn't when have the chance to say hello before saying goodbye. His first smile. His first laugh. Pulling his sister's hair. Discovering his hands and feet.  Rolling all over the house. Crawling. Walking. Running. Riding in the combine with his dad. Wearing overalls and John Deere boots. Would he has his daddy's chin like Delainee does? Would he have my curly hair? What color would his hair be? Would he have his dad's beautiful blue eyes? Would he be a mamma's boy? I can just see him fishing with daddy. Playing tractors in a corn pile and making mud pies. His first day of preschool, would he be scared or not even have time to give me a kiss goodbye? There is a life time of things that were taken from us. We will never know what his first word would have been or what his voice would sound like. I did get the opportunity to feel him move and I will forever cherish that and the ultrasounds where we got to hear and see his heart beating. He was so alive and so perfect. And now he is gone. He is in the most beautiful place but I still miss him. Delainee says our babies make the stars shine in the sky. I miss both of our babies so much. Losing his sibling was hard but we still had hope. I always knew at every milestone I would think of his twin and wish there were 2 milestones. Never in my worst nightmares did I think there wouldn't be a milestone at all. At every appointment I would get nervous until I saw his heart beating but never was prepared for if it wasn't. I remember watching the ultrasound and thought usually they take a look and then go back to the heart and show us the flicker. This was different. I didn't see the flicker and the ultrasound tech was quiet. But she was new to us so until she confirmed my worst fears I just held on to hope. Held on to the fact that we would maybe find out the gender that day. Then I could start planning. But instead that was taken from us, he was taken from us. I will never have a normal pregnancy again. Sure it may look like it to family and friends and strangers I meet in the elevator but it will never be normal. I will have fears that no mother should have. And it won't be fears because it happened to someone else. No it will be because it happened to me. I had a normal pregnancy and a healthy baby and now I am empty. I didn't lose my baby because it was would spare heartache later. I lost my baby for no known reason. So how could I go through a pregnancy like it is a normal healthy pregnancy? My normal healthy pregnancy and baby ended at 16 weeks without warning. My body didn't signal a problem, it just happened. That day I also lost any innocence that I could have possibly had left. 

Too Beautiful for Earth

The last 2 weeks and 2 days have slipped away fast and at the same time it has been the longest of my life. It has for sure been the hardest thing I have ever been though. No parent should even have to hear the words "I am sorry there is no heartbeat". My world shattered. The air was taken from my lungs. I was on complete overload. How could this happen? We had seen our baby 4 times before and it was perfect. We did an ultrasound screening for Down syndrome, Trisomy 13 and Trisomy 18 and everything came back normal. That was the last time we got to see our baby's heart beating. You get through the first trimester and it is suppose to be a breath of relief that you made it to the other side! The side of less risk! A first trimester miscarriage happens 10-15% of the time but as much as 50% because some could be so early women just thought they had a late period. A second trimester loss up to 20 weeks is 1-5% and over 20 weeks .3%. Our baby was 16 weeks. Until 20 weeks a loss is called a miscarriage. I don't like that word because it is like people that haven't been there consider a miscarriage like it shouldn't be a big deal. I lost my baby. I could feel my baby move and see the heart beating. That is a baby. This is our last ultrasound picture. 

Does that look like a baby? Yes! 

We delivered our baby at Methodist Women's Hospital. They were amazing. Our day labor and delivery nurses were absolutely wonderful. They gave us so much information and were always asking what they could do for us. After I delivered the baby I lost a lot of blood. They were getting the OR team ready when I finally delivered the placenta. Unfortunately I did not deliver it in tact and a piece was left behind so I still had to have a D&C done. I have been on iron since coming home because my hemoglobin had went from 13 to 10 from all of the blood loss. I have recovered very well physically and never felt like I couldn't take on the world but was on restrictions for the first 2 weeks because I did have surgery. 

Wednesday we went to the doctor hoping they would have some answers but knew it was possible they wouldn't know yet. We found out that our baby was a beautiful baby boy. William Lawrence was delivered into heaven on June 25 at 6:57 pm. I did not see our baby boy but David did and he said he was beautiful. He had some abnormalities but we found out that was normal because he had passed a few days before I was induced. So it was just swelling and fluid retention. He will always be beautiful in my mind. William is named after 2 wonderful men. William is my late grandpa's middle name and Lawrence is David's late grandpa's name. Our baby boy is in heaven with these wonderful men now. We also found out that William was perfect and had no chromosome disorders, not even a fraction of a disorder. I had a competent cervix (which is why I had to be induced) and the placenta was perfect with only a little inflammation. The doctor believes that inflammation was from the twin we found out we lost at 9 weeks. There was no reason for our loss. Our baby boy was very capable of life. It could be that he passed because we lost the twin but so many pregnancies start as twins and end with one healthy baby. So basically he was too beautiful for earth. 

I will never know the answers to why us or why him but once I am holding my babies in heaven I won't even care about those answers. I have to trust God through this. He is hurting right along with us. He gets the wonderful job of keeping my babies safe until I am with them one day. Were these the answers I was hoping for? Honestly no. I don't know if any answer would have given me relief though. I would still have the why's. I do have more peace knowing I didn't do anything wrong. The doctor said there is absolutely nothing we can do differently next time. He also said there is no reason we can't transfer 2 embryos again. There is no higher risk for me then anyone else for having a loss like this again. We aren't transferring 2 embryos in hopes for twins. We have transferred 2 in hopes of a healthy baby in our arms. I won't have a normal pregnancy again. I will be scared, even more then I already was. I will be worried our baby's heart will stop. I won't quit worrying until my baby is born, healthy and in my arms. And then I will have a whole new set of worries. We do have plans on trying again. We will be keeping our journey ours. When we want to share news we will but only in our time. 

This has been a very personal struggle that I am sharing in hopes that I will help even one women to feel like she is not alone. I have meet some wonderful women along the way that will forever change my life, all because I shared my story. A huge thank you to two wonderful women I have meet, Brie and Amy M, without these two I don't know what I would do! Also a huge thank you to everyone that has made us meals, delivered meals over and over (Amy H and Sam), sent cards and the well wishes and prayers. They have all meant so much to us. 

I am leaving with some pictures I have seen that reflect how I feel right now. Sorry there are several. God bless! 

How to even begin...

This is by far going to be the hardest post I will ever write. 

On Tuesday June 24 we had our first appointment with our Perinatal Dr. I was 16 weeks 1-2 days and we were very much hoping to find out what we were having. The ultrasound tech started the ultrasound and it was quiet. I searched the screen for that little flicker so I could relax that our baby was healthy and growing. She measured the head, abdomen and a leg. The baby measured right on. She stopped and told us she was going to go get Dr. B and that she was so sorry to tell us but she couldn't find a heartbeat. My whole world shattered. I think I had to tell myself to breath because it wasn't just a reflex anymore. David and I sat in the room waiting for the Dr in total shock. Our healthy baby had passed. This can't be happening. The doctor came in and told us how sorry he was and took a look. He tried to find the heartbeat but it was gone. He said everything normal that he could see, he had no reason for us. He also told us by size our baby would have passed 24-48 hours prior. He gave us options and allowed us to talk about it and we decided we would deliver our baby and we wanted an autopsy performed. 

So June 25 we checked into the hospital at 7:30 and I began medicine to help dilate my cervix. My water broke at 4:25 and we waited. At 6:57 our baby was delivered. I don't want to go into specifics about that right now but will share that story in time. 

Right now we could all use extreme prayers. I feel the prayers we have been receiving and we need them in the days and weeks to come. Our precious twins are together in heaven enjoying family. For anyone that did not know this pregnancy started as twins but we lost one between 7-9 weeks. Thank you in advance for the prayers.